High School is tough, Love is Harder
by TrueCanadianGirl
Summary: This is a collaboration between TrueCanadianGirl and Eternal Fauna. Alfred is failing in most of his classes, his twin brother happens to be part of a study group that could help him to pass, will he be able to make it through grade 10 with passing grades? WARNING: this fic is filled with crack ships and is rated M for several trigger warnings inside.
1. So it begins

HELLO readers and welcome to yet ANOTHER Hetalia story... I know, I know I should at least finish ONE of my other ones ^.^' BUT this one is different… this one is a collab with the amazing Eternal Fauna… so it will be different… promise… 3

* * *

Alfred groaned, looking down at the math test that had been handed back... a bright red 29% glared up at him along with the note _'see me after class_ '... he glanced over at his twin's test and saw the usual 100% circled in red, groaning again he put his head down on his desk, this sucked so much… maybe he should have listened to his brother and actually studied instead of pulling a marathon of star wars movies… or maybe he could ask Mattie to help him get his mark up? He'd ask later… after class and he talked with Mrs. Mayes.

"Hey Al, what did you get on your test?" Matthew leaned on his twin who sighed dramatically. "That bad huh? Well did you study like I _told_ you to?"

"... yeesss?" Alfred tried… he knew it was no use but he could TRY and say he studied and failed… but one look up at Mattie's disbelieving gaze told him he was caught before he could finish the thought "Fiiiinnneee i didn't, but you don't understaaannnndddd. Mattie they were playing the _original_ trilogy of Star Wars… you _know_ I HAD to watch it." as Matthew opened his mouth to say something else he was cut off by the bell.

"We are not done this conversation bro." Mattie sighed, grabbing his stuff and getting up, ready for the next class

-time skip-

"I'm coming to your nerd group" Matthew and Alfred were walking through halls of the the dorms they lived in when Alfred announced his plans loudly, as if he was giving Matthew no other choice in the matter

"No. You will not. I told you to stu-" he was cut off by his brother's loud whining;

"COme ooooon! Please? Pretty please? Come on bro I'm dying here!"

"I said no." this time he kept his refusal short and simple trying to get it through Alfred's thick skull.

"But Maaaatttttiiiieeee pllleeeeaaassse!" they were now at the door to their dorm room, Al's whining echoing down the hall while Mattie unlocked their door, stepping into the entrance and kicking off his shoes, groaning softly

"What am I supposed to do? Al I've been telling you all year to study... and NOW you want me to help you bring your failing grades up? It's been four months since we started and you've been slacking from the start, now leave me alone! It's my turn to bring the snacks and I need to get them ready since SOMEONE ate all the snacks… AGAIN" Mattie dropped his bag in the normal spot and stormed off to the kitchen to bake

Al huffed at his twin before he dumped his bag inside the entrance and walked away, letting the door shut behind him, heading over to where his friends hung out.

"Hey Al, come on in." he was welcomed into the dorm by the albino, he walked into the dorm, not bothering with his shoes as he flopped onto the couch in the living-room, Gilbert at the door, Ivan in the kitchen and Mathias watching something on his phone, in one of the bean bag chairs … the grade twelve kids got so much more space.

"I can't believe it! Guys listen to this: I _actually_ ask for help and Mattie totally blows me off! Like why would he do that? All I did was ask him to bring me with him today… Is it so hard to get me into his nerdy study group?" Since he couldn't complain to his twin he would complain with his friends.

"Did you ask nicely? or did you whine and complain like you are doing now?" Gil teased lightly, closing the door and going back to his chair.

"of course I asked nicely! I said please like two or three times. He's just a jerk." Alfred whined.

"in other words... You whined and begged like mewling cat." Ivan called from the kitchen, his head in the fridge.

"I did NOT beg like a mewling cat!" Al looked insulted, sitting up and glaring at the russian "Believe it or not I do know how to ask 'normally'... I just don't because that's boooorriiiinnngggg"

Prussia groaned loudly pulling out his phone, hitting the speed dial he had set up for Matthew who answered after a few rings "Birdie just take him please! He won't shut up until you do… Please… save us from his endless complaining" he begged on behalf of the annoying blonde on his couch, hearing a heavy sigh on the other end of the line;

"I can't tonight… But I'll ask the guys if they'd be okay with him coming tomorrow… You owe me Gil"

"You know it Birdie… Sorry you've had to deal with this knucklehead all your life" He paused as he glanced over at the suddenly silent blonde, who had a triumphant grin on his face as he watched Gil on the phone. The albino said his goodbyes and hung up, glaring at Alfred. "you used me… to get your brother to do something he didn't want…"

"Nope, you did THAT on your own" Mathias commented from his bean-bag chair. Alfred laughed and fist-bumped the other blonde, grabbing the remote and turning on a random show, he'd hang out and wait for his brother to be done with his group.

* * *

Matthew hung up his phone, groaning quietly and shaking his head. "Sorry guys… I was just asked to invite my brother to the study group… is that okay with everyone?" He looked around the table at the three other members of the group.

"Well… I don't mind, as long as he can actually study… and not interrupt my own studies" Kiku, the dark haired kid from the same class barely looked up from his notes, putting in his 'vote' on the decision on how to deal with Matthew's overbearing twin.

Tino looked up from his own notes, smiling brightly "Of course you can bring your brother! What does he like? I'll bring the snacks tomorrow"

Lukas swallowed the bite of cookie he had been eating, shrugging and pulling the plate closer to his side of the table, "whatever… bring whoever you want" he then turned back to the snacks, hoarding them and Matthew was glad he had brought extra

"Okay, I'll let him know tonight that he can come, thanks guys… I didn't want to deal with the complaining tonight" Mattie breathed a sigh of relief, pocketing his phone and going back to his notes  
-time skip-

Later that night Matthew walked into the dorm he shared with his twin, blinking as he almost crashed into his brother who was on the other side of the door bouncing excitedly, the sigh of relief from earlier came back, this time as a sigh of defeat "You win… you can come tom-" his quiet voice was cut off by his brother's loud, excited one.

"I knew you loved me and would let me into your nerd group~" Alfred cheered, leaving Mattie to groan loudly, hanging up his bag and going to feed the pet bear cub he had snuck into the dorm, deciding to ignore his brother for tonight… but tomorrow was another day.

* * *

Hahaha… ok that is Chapter one written mostly by TrueCanadianGirl but with a LOT of help from the amazing Eternal Fauna, a close friend and awesome author in her own right i highly recommend you read her stories.  
The next Chapter will be written by her so stay tuned ^.^ (and I promise a new chapter IS coming out for Labyrinth soon… SitC Will be a little while longer sorry)

 **The key for the countries and the names for them (for those who are confused by any of the names that show up in this fic)**

 _ **Grade 10 students**_

America: Alfred F. Jones (AKA Al) & Canada: Matthew Williams (AKA Mattie, Matvie, Birdie, Mat)

Age: 16

Norway: Lukas & Finland: Tino

Age: 16

North Italy: Feliciano Vargas

Age: 15

Japan: Kiku

Age:15

 _ **Grade 11 Students**_

Germany: Ludwig

Age: 16

Romano: Lovino Vargas

Age:16

Poland: Felix

Age: 16

Lithuania: Toris Laurinaitis

Age: 16

 _ **Grade 12 students**_

Sweden: Berwald

Age: 17

Denmark: Mathias

Age: 18

Prussia: Gilbert

Age:18

Hungary: Elizabeta (Liz)

Age: 18

Austria: Roderich (AKA Roddy)

Age: 17

Spain: Antonio

Age: 18

England: Arthur Kirkland

Age: 18

France: Francois Bonaparte

Age: 18

Russia: Ivan

Age: 17

Ukraine: Katyusha

Age: 19

China: Yao

Age: 18

 _ **Grade 8 students**_

Iceland: Emil

Age: 14

Belarus: Natalia

Age:14


	2. Learning about the classmates

**Hey guys! Thanks again for reading! As TrueCanadianGirl previously said, I'll be writing ch.2! So anyway... let's begin!**

As the sun peeked into the window, Alfred stirred, waking up. Most people wouldn't guess it, but Al was actually a total morning person, he tended to wake with the sun, much to his bro's annoyance.

"Mattie! Hey, hey Mattie!" He grinned, ever happy and awake.

Mattie groaned, turning over, trying hard to stay asleep.

"MATTIE! MATTIE! Come oooonnn... wake up! Mattie!" Al bounced around, his voice far too loud for how early it was.

"Go away Al... I'm sleeping..." the groan was tired, the words barely coherent through the grumbles Mattie was emitting.

"But Mattie... I want to know more about your nerdy friends..." Al whined while he sat cross-legged on the bed across from Mattie.

Mattie sighed, putting his head under his pillow, "You are in the same class as them... you KNOW them Al..."

Al blinked with wide eyes as stared at his twin. "I do?" he asked with confusion.

"There was an exasperated "YES" from under the pillow, "Lukas, Tino, and Kiku... can I sleep a little bit longer or are you going to keep on bugging me?"

"Ooh! I know them! Kiku's that black haired guy right? The one that's ALWAYS studying?" Al asked.

"So much for peaceful sleep," Mattie sighed, throwing his pillow at Al as he sat up, looking over at Al with annoyance. "Yes. Kiku likes to keep up with his studies. As for the other two... YOU are the one that pointed them out to me when we first got here... you thought they were so 'cool' because they were obviously twins too... actually, if I remember correctly, you startled Lukas by choosing to hang off him."

Al gaped, suddenly understanding what his brother was talking about. "Oh! Those guys! I totally forgot their names! They're who is in the nerdy study group with you? But they're so cool!"

Mattie sighed once more. "Yes Al. They're also part of the study group."

"Well I mean, I guess the study group won't be so bad..." Al muttered.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Time Skip~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Al and Mattie left their dorm, heading to their class. "Ugh... can't we just skip science? Mr. Dickerson is always such a dick to me!" Al groaned.

Mathias laughed as he came over to them, having heard what he said. "Of course he is! It's in his name after all!" the tall grade 12 student leaned down, his huge grin still in place. "It's also in his ass every night if you get what I mean..." he whispered with his eyebrows wiggling.

Mattie groaned while Al snorted. "Ha! Good one dude!" Al laughed.

"I'll tell you more jokes later! Right now I gotta go see if Gil finished his homework last night so I can copy it, see ya!" and with that Mathias was gone.

"When we go to the study group later, please... don't follow his example... just for once, study..." Mattie sighed for what felt like the third time today as he entered the the classroom.

"But he's super cool and makes hilarious puns!" Al responded loudly as he ran after his bro.

As Al entered he looked around, spotting Kiku at his desk, reading out of the textbook. "Boorrriiinngg" Al grumbled before he spotted Tino and Lukas, the two seemed to be arguing about something, Tino was gesturing wildly while Lukas had a slight pout, his arms crossed over his chest. "What's up with them? Do they normally fight like that?" Al asked Mattie, his eyes glued to the squabbling twins.

Mattie rolled his eyes at the scene. He knew what was happening, it was the the same thing that every time Tino made snacks for the group... making Mattie wonder why Tino hadn't thought to hide the treats better.

Al watched as Mattie dug into his bag, pulling out a container of food Al remembered having for dinner the night before and a small plastic fork. Getting up from his seat, he headed over to where the two bickering boys stood. Al blinked in amazement as Mattie wordlessly handed Lukas the container and fork before he headed back to his own seat. "Does this...happen often?" Al asked, pointing to the two brothers located in the back of the classroom. They were no longer arguing, instead Lukas had moved over to his desk with the food and had begun to eat it while Tino sighed and went over to his own seat beside his brother.

""Not too often, no. just whenever it's Tino's turn to bring snacks for the group... Lukas has a bigger appetite than you." Mattie said half-jokingly.

"What! No way! He's so tiny! There's absolutely no way he has a bigger appetite than me!" Alfred huffed before he peeked over at Lukas, the teen happily munching on the food given to him.

"Don't let that fool you, he just has a high metabolism." Mattie said getting out his science book.

"A high... what?" Al asked, staring at Mattie as if he had grown a second head.

"A high metabolism means he can break down food faster." Mattie sighed, not even looking up from his book.

Al blinked in confusion. "huh?"

"Correct. Though there is more to it then simply stating that it means one's body is able to break down food faster. A fast metabolism is the basal metabolic rate, or the amount of calories the body needs while resting, also Matthew I will give you another detention if you speak up without raising your hand again." Mr. Dickerson said as he entered the room. The remaining students not already seated had moved to sit down. " And Mr. Bondevik, you know the rules. No food in the classroom. Please get rid of it now or you will be receiving yet another detention for your failure to follow the rules."

Al turned slightly and saw a furious looking Lukas close the food up and put it in his bag.

"Good now if all of you are done with the distractions, I would like to go over the molecular density of a cell..." Al then tuned out the teacher, finding him to be the worst teacher all around.

…...Time Skip...

Like every day, every one in Mr. Dickerson's class hurried out of it once the bell rang. Luckily for Al next was with Mr. Arthurson, the chillest history teacher ever.

He walked in and saw Lukas and Tino already in the room, Lukas still pouting about what happened in Mr. Dickerson's class. "At least Mrs. Arthurson lets you eat in class as long as you still pay attention to what she talks about." Tino tried to comfort his brother.

"He's still a horrible teacher." Lukas muttered.

"Yes... but at least you have a good grade in his class?" Tino offered with a weak smile.

Al had to admit, Lukas had a good point, and Mr. Dickerson really did live up to his name.

"Okay class today we'll be learning about western expansion…" Despite how chill Al thought Mrs. Arthurson was… He could never stay awake in it.

~~~~~~Time Skip~~~~~

The remaining classes seemed to go fast for Al. Al actually Learned a lot about his brother's friends. Like during pe Lukas would fake being sick and Kiku would escort him to the nurse's office just so they got out of running. Mr. Debenson would let them, saying it was better than having Lukas feel worse running around.

Ms. Elder their English teacher would let everyone work in pairs, and as Al paired up with Mattie he saw Tino and Lukas pair up and Kiku go to the ever timid and odd Feliciano and pair up with him, Kiku occasionally laughing quietly at something Feliciano said or did.

"So. Now we get to hang out and stuff?" Al asked following his brother.

"If by stuff you mean open a book and read? Then, yes." Mattie replied, walking further ahead.

"Hey wait up!" Al hollered, racing after Mattie.

"Just please try not to embarrass me." Mattie muttered as he opened a classroom door.

 **^.^ well guys that's all for my chapter, hope I did alright, TrueCanadianGirl help with majority of it though.**

 **Anyway! Next chapter is all her so get totally pumped for that!**


	3. First meeting

_**Chapter 3**_

 _And welcome back to talking to TrueCanadianGirl 3_

 _Thank you all for all of your support but I have a couple things to say;_

 _First, this fic is done for fun, Eternal Fauna and I do not own Hetalia we just love the characters enough to try and put them in awkward and cute scenarios,_

 _Second, we love reviews, they let us know what people like or if we need to expand on an idea because we didn't explain it right the first time, but anon reviews with hate directed at either myself or Eternal Fauna will be removed ^.^_

 _Third, we got one of those reviews that was removed had a couple questions before making both of us feel like absolute piles of garbage and I wanted to address those questions (some of the review posted below:_

" _Ludwig, the same age as Feliciano and Kiku. Aren't some of the characters a lot older, and should be in college?"_

first off this is a work of FAN-FICTION, I have read stories where all the characters are toddlers, We chose the ages and grades carefully and if we add characters to our already too long list we will put them where we feel they should go.

 _secondly, no. they should not be in college, this is a highschool fic, kind of hard to say that when in all technicality all of the characters should be piles of dust in grave sites around the world. please remember that once a country has hit adulthood they don't seem to age anymore ^.^_

 _ok rant done and over with, I apologize for going off on a tangent like that but if i didn't get it off my chest I wouldn't be as motivated to continue writing…_

 _AND NOW, BACK TO THE STORY_

* * *

Alfred groaned loudly, the 'club' meeting being way more boring than he thought it could possibly be, everyone had gathered in the library and immediately dragged out their books and pencils… the only plus was there were snacks, granola bars that Tino said he had made by himself… it explained the fight in the first class since it meant that Tino had to work so hard, all these thoughts passed through his head as he reached for one, the sudden vice like grip on his wrist surprising him, he looked up to see Lukas _glaring_ at him, he heard a snort beside him and turned to see his twin hiding his face with his book, shaking with suppressed laughter.

"Uhmm ow? Yo Lukas could you ease up on the grip there?" he tried to pull his hand away from the surprising strength in the thin boy's body.

"oh right… uhm here you go Alfred." Tino had looked up and pushed a different plate closer, smiling slightly "Sorry that plate is Lukas'... this is for everyone else to share." Al looked incredulous as Lukas released his arm and went back to his book like nothing happened.

"You have GOT to be kidding me?" he grumbled, rubbing his wrist with a pout, blatantly ignoring his twin's choked back laughter.

"Why would he be joking?" Kiku suddenly spoke up… finally looking up from his pile of notebooks and study guides. Alfred found he couldn't think of an answer to the monotone question… just grumbling quietly and grabbing a few of the bars from the 'community plate' to put in front of himself so he wouldn't have to stretch, sitting quietly and eating while watching the others study, for a few minutes at least.

"Maaattttiiieeeee I'm boorreeeedddd" he started complaining loudly, earning him a quick glare from Kiku which didn't stop him at all, "Give me something to doooooo" he leaned against his brother, who was good at ignoring him.

"You could actually study you know… it's why we are here." Lukas said, not looking up from his notes or snacks, Al only groaned and went fishing through his pockets for his phone, and texting his friends.

 _To: Gil_

 _Omg Duuuddeee it's so boring here… All these nerds want to do is read and study… save me_

It was several agonizing minutes before the phone vibrated in his hand.

 _From: Gil_

 _I'm busy with homework right now Al, tell Birdie I say hi and go bug someone else._

Al groaned again "Bro your boyfriend says 'hi'..." he got a slight chuckle at the sudden flush colouring his cheeks, flipping through his contacts and landing on Mathias, typing out a message and hitting send

 _To: Mathias_

Dude sos! got Gil to make Mattie agree to take me here and it's so freaking boring DX… I mean I know studying suxs but they dont talk! how am I sposed to drag my grades from the depths of hell when its THIS boring? _ _

The reply was faster this time compared to the albino

 _From: Mathias  
I knooowwww… studying suxs so much! but Lukas is in that nerd club 2 isnt he? just ask him 2 tutor u ;p_

To: Mathias  
Lukas…? You mean the psycho guy they appease with snacks? How would he help? :/ :/

From: Mathias  
Use the snacks bro, bribe him to teach you… he got me to pass so I could get to grade 12… so he knows what hes doing :) :)

Al read the last text in shock, looking at the blonde beside him…

"Lukas… you tutored Mathias?" The atmosphere in the room seemed to freeze, Al's phone went off as Lukas broke the pencil he was holding, Mattie winced slightly and rubbed his wrist.

"ummm Al…?" Alfred glanced over at his brother who was shaking his head quickly, warning against something but Al was too clueless to pick up on the hint…

There was a bang as Lukas slammed the door, Al blinked confused, he hadn't even realized the other had gotten up.

"What did I say?" the oblivious blonde looked between Tino and his brother who were both sighing.

Kiku blinked at the slammed door and shrugging, it wasn't his problem to deal with so he went back to his books not worried about the awkward feeling in the air.

Al wasn't getting any answer from his brother, so he checked the messages he got earlier, eyes going wide as he realized what he did.

 _From: Mathias_

 _Keep quiet abt me lol, we used to date  
Didnt end well tho  
Just plz be quiet he'll flip out! :/_

He swore loudly to himself as he turned to chase Lukas from the room.

"Hey! Hold on!" he called as he ran after the upset blonde.

Tino groaned softly and looked at the other two "looks like we are done for today, sorry Kiku," he apologized to his friend, "It was a short meeting today.. but you can have the leftover snacks if you'd like?"

"No thank you, Tino, I am quite full already. I'll just head out and study in my dorm." Tino just nodded and waited for the dark haired boy to pack his books and leave.

"Hey… Matthew…? Can we talk?" Tino approached his friend hesitantly, as if he was unsure of how to address his suspicions.

Mattie looked up from the pile of books he had been gathering "What's up Tino? If it's about my brother don't worry, I don't plan on dragging him here again."

"Oh no! He's fine coming back! It's just... Um… I noticed that… you've been wearing a lot of long sleeved shirts… and sweaters… even though it's been warm lately… and today you were picking at your wrist… Mattie…? Is everything okay?"

Mattie blinked at the questions, going pale as he opened his mouth.

* * *

 _And that's where we end this chapter~ thank you all for being patient with me… and thank you so much for reading our story, the amazing Eternal fauna will be writing the next chapter._


	4. Sick day

_**Chapter 4**_

 _Hey guys! Eternal Fauna here with another chapter to this awesome Collab! Man things are getting pretty intense here! Anyway~ Talk time is over, on to the story!_

* * *

"Hey! Hold on!"

Lukas swore, stopping where he stood in the hallways. "What do you want?" he asked venomously.

"I didn't know man, sorry!" Al apologized, sprinting over to where Lukas stood.

Lukas sighed and moved to lean against the wall he was near. "It's not you… It's just, it didn't end well between us…" Lukas said, still not really looking at Al. "I thought it was fine, we were happy… but then he changed. I didn't believe Tino when he said he saw him with Katyusha," Lukas paused to laugh. "I actually had a huge fight with Tino over it because I refused to believe him, then a week after the fight, Mathias broke up with me over _text_ … I felt SO betrayed, but of course I refused to let Tino know that he was right. And then a few days after he broke up with me I saw him and Katyusha making out by the dorms. I know I should get over it now… b-but I gave him _everything_."

"Shit… I didn't know." Al swore, his eyes wide as he looked at the blond.

"Just, please don't mention his name again…" Lukas said softly, his eyes glistening with tears.

"Sorry…" That seemed to be the only thing Al could say in this situation.

"No I'm sorry, It's not your fault I can't get over something like this." Lukas spoke softly, tears slowly falling down his cheeks, his body shaking slightly.

"I...um, do you want me to do something?" Al asked awkwardly, unsure of what to do right now.

Lukas wiped his eyes, sniffling slightly. "No… just, sorry… forget I said anything. It's not your problem." despite the tears that still fell from his eyes, his words were strong. "I'm going to go to my dorm, see you." Lukas said walking away from Al.

Al watched Lukas leave and frowned, he wanted to help, but felt like the stubborn blond wouldn't accept help from anyone. "Damn it." he swore in aggravation.

As Al awoke in the morning he noticed his brother burrowed in his blankets, his back facing Al. "Hey bro?" he called out, receiving no answer from Mattie.

"Bro?" he called again, this time he got a response, a whimper from his brother.

"What's up?" he tried again, frowning at the bundled form acrossing from him.

"I'm just… not feeling too well. Sorry, you'll have to attend class by yourself today." Mattie replied in a whispered voice.

"Ah man, really? Okay, I guess. Need me to get you anything for later?" Al asked as he got ready for school.

"Just silence, sorry." Mattie replied.

Al sighed. "Kay. Get well, I'll see you later." Al said before he left the dorm.

As he got to his first class, Math with Mrs. Mayes, he saw Tino, Lukas, and Kiku. He smiled at the two blonds as he entered the room, recieving a small smile and a wave from Tino. "Sup dudes!" he greeted.

"Hello Alfred! where's Mattie?" Tino asked looking around slightly.

"Oh! He's sick so he's back at our dorm sleeping!" Al responded loudly.

Tino's smile faded. "Um… Alfred? Have you noticed anything odd about Mattie? Like was he behaving differently around you last night?"

Lukas and Al looked at him quizzically. "I don't think so? He seemed pretty normal?" Al answered.

"Ah! Okay! I was just wondering!" Tino said right as Mrs. Mayes walked into the classroom to start class.

Al frowned during class but listened to the teacher, feeling like she was a good distraction for everything. And taking notes for his sick brother.

* * *

"Hey man, what was up with Tino earlier? Why was he asking those questions?" Al asked Lukas in Mr. Dickerson's class.

Lukas ignored him.

Al sighed and went over to Tino. "Hey um… what were those questions about earl-"

"Everyone quiet and take a seat or you will have a detention." Al mentally swore and went to his seat, again taking notes, feeling it was the best distraction for whatever was going on with his friends.

As he took notes of… something, he thought of his brother, was his behavior any different than normal?

* * *

"Jones!" Mr. Deberson called as he noticed how sluggish and distracted Al was.

"Yeah?" Al replied, frowning slightly at the concern Mr. Deberson was expressing.

"What's up? You were last to finish up the warm up laps." The teacher asked with a frown.

"Sorry. just thinking about my bro…" Al replied sheepishly.

"Is it about your brother being absent today?" Mr. Deberson asked with a sigh. "Alright, You can take it easy today, I expect full effort from you tomorrow." He said patting Al's back.

"Thanks! I'll be fine tomorrow!" Al said perking up slightly.

Mr. Deberson smiled and walked away to deal with other students.

Al sighed as he sat at his lunch table that was filled with all of his friends, all of who were happily talking and munching on their food.

"I'm going to go call Mattie." he announced, taking out his phone to call his brother, worried about Mattie.

It rang for a few minutes causing Al to jiggle his leg nervously, hoping his twin was alright.

"Hello…?" came Mattie's voice, sounding soft and tired.

"Yo! Mattie, you feeling any better?" Al asked, turning away from his friends, all of whom looked interested in his phone call.

"Hey Al… not really, sorry I just woke up," there was a pause. "Did you need something?"

"No, I was just worried, Tino was asking weird questions earlier and I guess they got to me a little too much…" Al admitted.

"Tino? Nevermind, It's all fine over here Al, can I go back to bed?" Mattie asked with a sigh.

"Yeah, just get better soon! It's not the same here without you." Al said with a laugh before he ended the call.

"Well Mattie is still sick, but is getting plenty of rest." Al told his friends.

His friends nodded and started their conversations up again.

* * *

Finally classes were over with, Al sighed as he got ready to leave his last class, Tino, Kiku and Lukas were heading out already, walking together, likely to the library. He frowned, unsure if he should go with them or go back to the dorms to check on his brother. He finally decided on heading to the club to see if Tino or the other two had notes he could grab for Mattie.

He headed after them to the library and entered, seeing the three already pulling their books out. "Oh! Alfred! I'm glad my brother didn't scare you off yesterday!" Tino said with a smile, acting like the morning events never happened.

"Hey dudes! Hey does anyone have notes i could borrow for Mattie?" He asked sitting down across from Lukas.

Lukas wordlessly dug into his notebook, opening it up and turning it for Al. "You can copy them." he said before he looked around at the snackless table. "Hey Tino? Whose turn was it to bring snacks?"

"Mine… sorry…" Kiku said digging in his bag. he pulled out a small back of rice cakes and tossed them on the table. a silence filled the air as everyone stared at the small bag.

"What is this…" Lukas asked, glaring at the tiny bag.

"Rice cakes I think." Kiku answered, his eyes glued to his books.

"This isn't a snack, this is a bite." Lukas whined.

"Eat it. Don't. It's not like I care either way." Kiku shrugged at the blond.

Lukas pouted but took the bag, eating the contents rather quickly.

"Were they good?" Al asked, amused at the blond's antics.

"No. I'm going back to the dorms to get real food." Lukas complained, leaving his notes and bag as he walked out of the library, tossing his trash away.

"Lukas?" Tino questioned before he sighed, trusting his brother.

Al frowned as well but continued copying Lukas' notes, grateful for the Norwegian's neat handwriting.

* * *

Mattie felt surprised when he gained the strength to move out of his bed. He was still clothed in his pajamas, but the simple act of getting out of his bed felt like an accomplishment for him. He moved to the front door, not feeling well enough to change his clothes or eat, but well enough to at least leave his dorm. he walked down the long hallway, noting the amount of students hanging around, talking with each other and occasionally glancing over at him.

He walked of a while, glad his destination was on the same floor as him and knocked. he wondered if Tino or Lukas would even be home right now, he hoped so, they both had the best handwriting and took decent notes in class. He knocked again and heard a faint noise from inside.

"Hello? Lukas? Tino?" He called out as he opened the door, frowning as he found it unlocked. "I'm sorry for coming in like this…" He called again and heard a loud almost gagging noise.

He followed it, frowning as the smell of bile filled his nose and he gasped, finding Lukas hunched over the toilet, emptying out the contents of his stomach inside. "Lukas?" he asked, causing the shorter male to jump.

" _Please_ … don't tell Tino…" Lukas whimpered, turning to face Mattie, his back against the bathroom wall, his face red.

* * *

 _Bwuhahahaha! Ends on a cliffhanger! Anyway guys! Thanks for reading! Next chapter is all TrueCanadianGirl so be ready!_


	5. Keeping Secrets

**Chapter 5**

 **Written by Truecanadiangirl**

 _Ok so this chapter has to start with trigger warnings so here we go: Self-Harm, Eating Disorders, Depression, Thoughts of Suicide, Abuse. Possibly more triggers to come, they will be added in future chapters if we think of any. If you are sensitive to any of the above triggers then we highly recommend you proceed with caution. Thank you._

 _With the triggers out of the way I would like to say Hi to the readers, old and new and I would like to thank all of you for your patience… I know I'm terrible with deadlines and Eternal Fauna is freaking amazing at writing quickly… she had the last chapter finished less than 24 hours after chapter 3 was posted_ _but I do my best and she does too… especially when kicking my butt in gear… so without further ado… let's dive into the insanity ^.^_

* * *

" _Please_ … don't tell Tino…" Lukas whimpered, turning to face Mattie, his face was red and there was sweat on his brow, as he leaned back against the bathroom wall next to the toilet. Matthew was frozen in shock, trying to understand what his friend meant by 'don't tell his brother' but looking at his friend, so weak on the bathroom floor, he came to a decision.

"I won't tell Tino… sorry for coming in like that, your door was unlocked…" The purple eyed blond moved to sit next to Lukas, resting his arms on his knees which were drawn up to his chest.

"O-oh... Sorry you had to see that..." He was quiet, avoiding looking at his friend for fear of the judgement he expected to see there, what he didn't know was Mattie wasn't judging him, just sitting there giving him quiet support.

" I was coming over to see if you had notes that I could borrow… Since I stayed home today… but..." He motioned towards the toilet and Lukas

"Your brother borrowed them… I think he was copying them for you…" He mumbled, still avoiding looking at his friend.

Mattie hesitated then rolled up the long sleeves of his pajamas, revealing the bandages wrapped roughly around his arms, some places showed blood from the cuts under the wrappings.

"I… understand… why you do it… it's because of him… Right?" Mattie's voice was gentle, if kind of sad.

"Him? You mean Mathias... He... N-no...I..." Lukas wiped away tears, "Y-Yeah... Maybe... I'm not sure..." He took a deep shuddering breath. "Tino… Just, he _can't_ know… he thinks I'm better. Please.. just… don't say anything..."

"I'll keep your secret… If you keep mine…" He said quietly, looking up at the ceiling. "Al doesn't know … he can't know…" Lukas hesitated slightly but nodded, Mattie gave a tired smile and fixed the sleeves on his pajamas, hiding the bandages again. "Let's get you cleaned up… the group will be done soon and I should be home when Al gets there…"

Lukas nodded slowly, "Thanks... It can be hard to do this on my own sometimes..."

Matthew nodded and stood, reaching to help his friend up "I understand that. Wrapping bandages one handed can be tricky at times."

"I... Can wrap your arms for you… maybe… if you'd like" Lukas offered even as he swayed on his feet, lightheaded from expelling the contents of his stomach.

"Maybe later… for now you need to rest." Mattie helped his friend out of the bathroom and into bed, returning to the bathroom to clean up the mess, flushing the toilet and making sure the scent of bile was eradicated. Coming back out Mattie sighed sadly, seeing his friend asleep, likely drained from his earlier 'activities', he said a soft "goodbye" as he left the room, making his way back to his own.

Mattie made it home before Al did, sighing softly to himself in relief and laying in bed, petting Kumajirou gently. That was one less thing he had to hide or lie about.

Al trudged in with his books and the extra notes he had taken soon after, setting all the heavy papers on the table and going to flop on his bed with a soft groan.

"How are you feeling?" he asked as he heard his brother laugh, looking up from where his face was buried in his pillow to check on Mattie.

I'm fine, feeling much better now… how was your day bro?" his question was met with a long drawn out groan.

"Notes are SOOOOO boring… and my wrist hurts…" he complained loudly. "I don't know how you take all those notes every day." he pouted, then rolled over to see his brother easier… "I could make supper tonight." he offered, seeing Mattie starting to get up out of bed.

"You worked hard today... And also your cooking is horrible... Sorry Al… I just got over being sick… I don't want to miss more school." He paused slightly and looked over at his twin. "What do you want Al… you never offer to cook for us…" Al winced slightly, looking somewhat guilty as if Mattie had caught him with his hand in the cookie jar.

"I… was hoping maybe if you'd give me Lukas' number… he could totally revive my grades…" Mattie rolled his eyes, turning to leave the bedroom and go into their kitchen area.

"I'm not giving you his number Alfred… knowing you, you'll pester him forever until he gives in…" he groaned as he realized that was going to happen to him, facepalming he made a quick decision. "fine… before you drive me up the wall with your non-stop whining… just let me make supper first Ok?" Al who had been about to do exactly what his twin said cheered.

"Thanks Mattie, I'll make it up to you I promise!" He laughed, making Mattie groan and write down a fake number to give to Al later… there was no way he was going to subject his friend to this insanity day after day.

* * *

 _And that's where I'll end my part. Thank you so much, dear readers, for being patient with me and another huge thank you to Eternal Fauna for help with editing my chapter and for poking me when I was feeling lazy… remember the next one is all her ^.^_

 _Please review if you can, we love knowing what you guys think and what theories or questions you have for us…_


	6. A perfect plan

**Chapter 6**

 _Okay guys! Another chapter from me! now last chapter was pretty heavy, so we decided this chapter will be a little happier, a little funny since we thought that is what everyone would need._

 _Anyway rambling aside hope you enjoy this!_

* * *

Al looked at the number handed to him by his brother. He felt like he had gold in his hands as he typed the number into his phone.

To Lukass!:

Hey :) this is al!

As soon as he sent that he got an error message. "Mattie? is this really Lukas' number?" He asked his twin. Mattie ignored him, busying himself in the kitchen instead, making snacks for tomorrow.

"Maaaaatttiiieee! I got an error message and I need Lukas' number so i can get passing grades!" he whined.

Again, Mattie ignored him.

sighing in frustration, Al went over to where Mattie had his phone, charging by his bed and took it, scrolling through the contacts Mattie had in it, finding both Tino and Lukas saved in it. He stared at the two contacts and decided to add them to his phone, seeing that Mattie had completely different numbers saved for Lukas than what he had given him.

"Maaaaattttiiiieeee! You gave me the wrong number! it's totally cool though, I got it from your phone!" Al called to his brother.

Loud groaning could be heard from the kitchen before his brother popped his head into the room. "Sorry Al! I must have given you his old number… it's only one I remembered." he said smiling at Al.

"It's all cool bro, you just got over being sick! I'll just text him right now! By the way, those treats your making smell awesome!" Al said happily.

With Lukas' new number in his phone, Al got to work setting up a study time for him.

To Lukass!:

Hey Lukas! this is al! :)

Al sighed loudly and rather dramatically as he got no response. it had only been five minutes but it might as well been an hour to him! He glared at his phone menacingly before it vibrated. "Ooh!" he squealed as he checked his phone.

From Gil:

Want to hang out?

Al groaned. As much as he loved hanging out with Gil and his other friends, Gil was not who he expected to text.

To Gil:

Dude u know Mattie will kill me if I'm out 2 L8! :(

He sent that as he checked the time, seeing that it was almost 11 at night.

From Lukass!:

Al? how'd u get my #?

Al blinked, seeing that Lukas finally responded and squealed once more before he responded.

To Lukass!:

Mattie gave it 2 me!

To Lukass!:

Hey so like can you maybe tutor me sometime?

It was bold to ask, he knew this, but Al had to get it out there. He only hoped Lukas wouldn't ignore him or anything.

From Lukass!:

What?

Al frowned as he saw the latest text from Lukas. What was so confusing about asking to get tutored?

To Lukass!:

can you tutor me sometime?

As he sent the text, he hoped Lukas understood this time. He waited for a while, considering grabbing his charger while he waited.

As Al plugged his phone into the charge, Lukas responded.

From Lukass!:

Why?

As he read it, Al snorted, did Lukas actually need a reason for why Al was asking him to tutor him?

To Lukass!:

Duh! Dude!

To Lukass!:

ur smart!

To Lukass!:

u take gr8 notes in all the classes! not just the ones u like!

To Lukass!:

so will u do it?

Al sighed, surely now Lukas will see how awesome he is, and how much Al really does need him. with that Al set his phone down and waited.

"Maaaaatttiiieee! I'm bored and Lukas is taking forever to respond to me!" Al whined after ten minutes past without a word from Lukas.

"Give him time. It's late after all, he likely fell asleep or is taking a shower or something." Mattie replied, having finally finished baking the treats for the study club.

Al groaned loudly before he went back to his phone, hoping if he glared at it hard enough Lukas would respond.

of course… that wouldn't happen.

after another twenty minutes passed, Al huffed and decided to text the blond somemore.

To Lukass!:

Come oooooonnn!

To Lukass!:

It could be totally fun!

To Lukass!:

Well… not super fun cuz we're studying but still!

To Lukass!:

We could even find fun things we could bond ovr!

To Lukass!:

Like we could play games!

To Lukass!:

Plz man!

Al almost sent another text, when Lukas finally replied.

From Lukass!:

No.

Al reread the text over and over, frowning at the simple word.

To Lukass!:

Why not?

To Lukass!:

come on plz!

From Lukass!:

The person you are annoying cannot respond due to sleeping. Next time please be considerate because it's fucking late. Thank you.

Al blinked, once, twice. staring at the message in shock. "Lukas is being mean to me!" he cried to his brother.

"Likely because you bugged him for so long and at such a late time?" Mattie offered while he went to go feed his polar bear.

"I know! I'll go talk to him about it tomorrow!" Al grinned, the idea so perfect to him.

"No, no no no! That is a bad idea!" Mattie said, shaking his head vigorously.

"I know right! It's an awesome idea! Well it's time for bed! Night Mattie!" Al said, getting under his covers and taking his glasses off, falling asleep in almost seconds.

"I really don't want Lukas to commit murder…" Mattie groaned, as he also climbed into bed, turning the lights off, hoping Al would forget about talking to Lukas in the morning.

As Mattie awoke he looked over at Al, seeing his brother already awake and ready for class. it took him a little longer to do so, but soon both of them were out the door. As they walked down the long corridor to their first class, they saw the Nordic brothers just heading into class, Tino quite literally dragging Lukas into the classroom.

"Hey guys!" Al greeted, earning a hiss from Lukas as the two Nordics sat at their desks in back, Lukas resting his head on the cool wood desk, likely hoping for a few more minutes rest. Really, Mattie thought as he looked at his friend, he could understand where Lukas was coming from, though the blond at least didn't have to live with Al daily.

"Hey Lukas! remember what we talked about last night?" Al asked, bouncing around.

Lukas looked up, shooting a stony glare at Al. "Where you bugged me and spammed me with a million messages?" He asked.

"Yeah! So I know you fell asleep last night, but I was wondering if you considered it?" Al asked sheepishly.

"No." Was all the Nordic chose to respond with before he was back to resting his head on his desk.

"Sorry Al! Lukas gets cranky when he gets shorted any sort of sleep." Tino apologized on his brother's behalf, though it was clear by the expression on his face he wasn't sure what they were really talking about.

"It's okay! We'll talk more about this after class, okay?" Al said before he slid into his seat. Even in the front of the room, Al could hear Lukas groaning.

Mattie sighed and took notes for class, knowing already Al wouldn't. He peeked over at his brother and saw that Alfred was indeed not focusing, looking like he was staring off into space rather than at the whiteboard the teacher was writing on.

as the bell rang and all were getting their belonging together, Mattie saw Al, hastily throwing his things into his bag, nearly tripping over desks as he fled the room, the Nordic brothers just leaving as well.

"Lukas!" Mattie heard Al call. With a sigh he left the classroom and saw Al practically cornering Lukas, Tino appearing to be just as surprised.

"Um…"

"Hey so have you thought about it some more? Come on! I need you to help me!" Al begged.

"I have actually!" Lukas said and to anyone that knew him, they could heard the fake happiness he held.

Al grinned, looking a thousand times relieved.

"My answer is still no." Lukas said turning to leave.

"What… Please! I really need your help!" Al cried, his vice cracking slightly.

"I am not going to tutor you and that's final." Lukas said leaving Al as he turned and left down the long corridor.

"Um… try baking Lukas something tasty! he's likely to at least listen to you then!" Tino suggested before he hurried after his brother.

"Something tasty… food! Mathias told me that using food was how to get Lukas to say yes! Mattie! Me and you are going to go bake all the food we can for him after school!" Al told Mattie, grabbing his upper arms his entire being brightening up, as if Tino's suggestion was all Al ever needed.

* * *

 _Well I'm done here, TrueCanadianGirl has the next chapter so look forward that! She also helped a lot with this chapter since I was completely stuck ^.^' Anyway reviews are awesome so please do so!_


	7. Cutting Edge Cooking

**Chapter 7**

 _I'm glad we got a little bit of comic relief Al in the last chapter, because this chapter is going to deal with some very dark subjects,_

 _ **TRIGGER WARNINGS: The following chapter contains many of the following triggers, Eating Disorders, Depression, Thoughts of Suicide, Along with graphic depictions of Self Harm, The authors highly recommend those who are sensitive to the above subjects either click off this story or please proceed with caution. We care about our readers and don't want to be the cause of anyone's pain.**_

 _With the trigger warnings out of the way I want to thank you dear readers for being patient with me, and before you say "but Eternal Fauna took a while to write her chapter" she didn't… she finished it in one day again, I just didn't have easy access to a computer to post chapter 6 properly… so it actually took much longer for me to write this than it seems… ANYWAY, let's dive right into the insanity~_

 _It's the last class of the same day as the last chapter:_

* * *

Matthew quietly sat in his desk, rubbing his arm, he could feel the pressure building again, the lesson he didn't want to hear droning on in the background, their wizened teacher, Mr. Yakovich's voice a faint buzzing in his mind as he taught about the rules of the Russian pronouns. Mattie's fingers shook as he picked up his pencil and pretended to take notes, keeping his head down.

" _Bez menya vy bespolezny. Nichego. Vy znayete eto, i vy vernetes', kak sobaka." The deep voice hissed at him. Anger burning in the dark red-purple eyes, Matthew only understood some of the words that were spat at him, shivering behind the taller longer haired blonde who was protecting him from Ivan, refusing to let the pissed off teen move closer._

" _Merde… You, WILL leave Ivan, or I will call the police. This is the last warning." Francois said firmly, the steel in his voice leaving no room for argument. Ivan growled and spat at Francois' feet, glaring at Mattie as he left the dorm, slamming the door violently behind him as Matthew burst into broken, terrified tears, collapsing into the French-man's arms to be comforted._

"Matvey!" he was startled from his memories by his name spoken in a heavy accent, flinching back instinctively, his arms raising as if he was trying to protect himself.

"I-I'm sorry!" Flew from his lips before he could stop the words, he looked up into the shocked and worried eyes of Mr. Yakovich. A quick glance around showed that there was nobody else in the room, the bell must have gone off and he hadn't noticed.

"Matvey… Do you… need help?" the asked gently in his heavy accent, sitting down in the desk next to Mattie's. "I may not uhhh… know the.. Best English… but you can talk to me if you need to…" Mattie started shaking his head, a mask coming up to block the terror he felt from showing.

"Spasibo, Umsky Yakovich, I must have dozed off and had a nightmare, I am very sorry to worry you… May I go home now?" He didn't want to talk to someone… he HAD a way to deal with this, if he could only wait until he was alone… once Al couldn't find out about it.

The elderly teacher clearly hesitated, sighing softly before nodding. "Very well, just know that we have a… counselor if you wish to have someone… to help."

"I'm fine, but thank you again, I'll see you tomorrow." He gathered his books and made his escape, The Russian teacher made a note to talk to the other faculty about keeping an eye on the young blonde boy, worry in his heart that something bad was happening to him.

Mattie almost ran to his locker, stopping in the hall when he saw his twin hanging around it, waiting for him while messing with his phone. He groaned and put on a happier mask, just a little while longer… he would deal with it soon just hold on for a little longer.

"THERE you are Bro, I was worried you left without me, you know you COULD answer your phone every now and then." Al grinned, going over to wrap his arm around his brother's shoulder.

"Sorry Al, I got held up in my last class… you know how it is… I only took it for Ivan and then we broke up… so it brings up memories" he wasn't lying, just not explaining that those memories were anything but good.

"Still? Bro he's an ass for dumping you like that but you have got to get over him… seriously..." he paused, frowning. "I don't like him but if you miss him that much I can talk him into at least visiting every now and then…" Mattie's blood ran ice cold and he had trouble keeping the mask on, heart pounding in his chest at the idea.

"N-no thanks Al… I… It's what he wants… I think it's better this way… but maybe i can ask if i can drop the class… maybe take a spare class instead…" he prayed to every god he knew about that his brother wouldn't notice the tremor in his voice or the fact that he had stumbled over his words.

"If that's what you want bro, then yeah drop the class. BUT for now… you NEED to teach me how to make sweet things to get Lukas to agree to tutor me!" Mattie blew a sigh of relief which Al took as a tired sigh. "PLEEEAAASSSSSEEE BRO.. PLEASE pleasepleasepleaseplease… You GOTTA help me! Don't you love your twin?!" all this was said too quickly for Mattie to cut in but he laughed and nodded. "YES I KNEW YOU LOVED ME!" Al yelled, bouncing in place as Mattie grabbed what he needed for studying then practically carried his brother home because it was faster than trying to wait for Mattie.

Once home Mattie took his time putting his stuff away and putting on his apron, holding out another one for Al. "I refuse to teach you without the proper protection… this will be messy… it always is… we'll make butter cookies because they are simple." He waited for Al to take the apron before taking everything they needed out, naming them as he went, "Flour, baking powder, a little salt, lots of butter, sugar, an egg, and some vanilla."

"Got it… uhh do i just dump it all in a bowl and stir? Or what?" He asked, struggling to tie his apron, spinning in spot as he tried to tie it behind his back.

"okay after you get the ingredients out I want you to put the flour, baking powder and salt into a small bowl and whisk them... Since you've never baked before... here."he said as he put the right amount of everything in a bowl and whisked it. "once that's all whisked together we're going to beat the butter and sugar in a large bowl and use the electric mixer on medium until it looks pale and fluffy. We'll be doing this for about 6 minutes." Al nodded, watching his brother with a grin on his face, he knew that Mattie would take over and do it for him, but he wanted to learn and maybe surprise his brother later… letting Mattie talk without interruption. "Once you're done with the butter and sugar, beat in the egg and vanilla. We're going to be turning it to low. Once it's all been beat together add in the flour mixture. With this we'll be mixing until it has all been combined." Mattie didn't even seem to realize that he was doing everything as he spoke, "now we'll be taking it out of the bowl, this is where it'll get a little messy... We'll be moving the dough onto a baking sheet, making sure all of the dough is out of the bowl before we get it onto the pan, chilling it for four hours."

"Awesome! So we're done now?" he asked, grinning at his oblivious brother.

Mattie laughed, "Not even close Al. The chilling is to help it keep it fresh longer, and it makes it easier to prepare the oven." Al groaned and stared at the fridge in a dejected way, already bored with waiting. "You know you _could_ go visit your friends, it's been a couple days since you saw them last… I'll call you when the cookies are done…" Al brightened up and tore off the untouched apron already heading out the door with his phone in his hand.

"You're the best Mattie, see you soon." He called as he closed the door, leaving Mattie smiling at the door, waiting a few minutes in case his brother came back before dropping the heavy mask.

It was getting harder to pretend he was happy… the time between his… personal form of release was getting shorter, he figured he should be worried about it but at the same time he knew it was too late for him… so he went to the bathroom, leaving Kuma out in case he got blood in his fur again, there were only so many times he could claim that the bear had gotten too excited about his meal and made a mess.

Mattie swallowed, hands shaking as he opened one of the drawers, pulling out a fake bottom he had made and looking at the glinting pieces of sharp metal. He took off his sweater and hung it up out of the way, looking at his bandaged arms he frowned, carefully unraveling the fabric to reveal the still healing cuts from the last time he did this. Whatever… there was too much pressure building under his skin, he needed the release, so he picked up one of the many sharp blades and pressed the edge to the inside of his arm.

The first cut to his skin was a welcome release to the pressure, a sigh of relief exploding from him as blood formed from the cut, flowing down his arm and dripping onto the tiles, he'd have to clean everything after. He made another cut, hate building up inside him as he ignored the panicked scratching at the bathroom door. He stared at the cuts in disgust, cursing himself and Ivan, the man that made him turn to pain for release. He heard his phone ring, but he ignored it, instead choosing to wallow in the pain and self-loathing he knew he deserved. Another cut, deeper this time as tears left trails on his cheeks, landing on his arm and mixing with the crimson fluid, the salty tears burning the fresh cuts. He realized the mess he was making and stumbled over to the tub, sitting down with his bleeding arm hanging over the edge, letting the blood stain the porcelain wall of the tub instead of the floor.

He brought the blade to kiss the inside of his arm again, putting pressure and watching his skin bend around the blade before breaking, a knock at the bathroom door making him jump, the sharp blade slicing into his arm way too deep, hissing in shock and pain, he scrambled for a towel to slow the bleeding. "J-just a m-minute A-al." He felt his stomach leap into his throat at the thought that he had finally been caught. Heart pounding in his chest.

"Matthew?" the voice on the other side of the door didn't belong to his twin, Lukas opened the door eyes going wide at the bloody scene in front of him, Kumajirou shoving past him to sniff at the spilled blood and run to his master.

"I-i… I… it w-was t-too much… I…" Matthew curled up next to the tub, towel wrapped arm pressed against his chest, blood clear on his hands and starting to soak through the layers of fabric. "i-i… i-it… u-uhmm." he didn't know why he struggled to think of a reason… he knew the reason, but he couldn't say it. He didn't deserve the comfort that would come from Lukas if he said what was in his heart and mind almost twenty-four seven. Trembling from a mix of blood loss and the adrenaline rushing through his body, waiting to see how his friend would react.

Lukas stood there, frozen for a few seconds before he rushed to Mattie's side, kneeling next to him, gently taking the injured arm in his hands, moving it so he could pull the bloodsoaked towel from it, trying to figure out the best way to help Matthew, considering stitches, but not sure if he could do that himself, and he didn't want Al to find out by taking Mattie to the hospital. "First aid kit?" Was the only thing he said as he waited for the bleeding boy to talk first, following the shaky point towards the sink. A quick search revealed the kit which he brought back to his friend's side after washing his hands, while he worked on helping his friend he stayed as calm as he could while being as quick as possible to stop the bleeding, letting Mattie be the one to talk first.

"I… I'm s-sorry.. I'm sorry…" the tears that were already flowing from earlier doubled as the fragile teen started sobbing, the self loathing bubbling to the surface and spilling forth in a torrent of emotion.

"Shh… it's okay, Matthew… deep breaths, it's okay. Let's get you patched up and clean up before your brother gets home ok?" Lukas kept his voice gentle as he worked, wiping the blood and wrapping the wound tightly to try and stem the flow of the blood. "We'll check this in a bit and change the bandages then, if you don't stop bleeding we'll try and get you to the hospital for stitches…" He stopped as Matthew shook his head rapidly, making himself dizzy.

"N-no… no… they'll keep m-me there o-overnight… Al… Al will find out… please no hospital." He felt sick to his stomach, unable to stop the tremors running rampant in his body. "P-please…"

* * *

 _SOOOOO… that's a good place to leave it right?_

 _Sorry it took so long to get this to you guys, but i want to thank you for your patience… and for the reviews we got…_

 _I want to thank Eternal Fauna as always, as well as the many people who helped proofread chunks of this… with any luck the next chapter will be a bit happier._

Translations (in order of appearance):

Без меня вы бесполезны. Ничего. Вы знаете это, и вы вернетесь, как собака.

(Bez menya vy bespolezny. Nichego. Vy znayete eto, i vy vernetes', kak sobaka.) = Without me you are useless. Nothing. You know this and you will return like a dog (Russian)

Merde = shit (French)

Spasibo= Thank you (Russian)


	8. Learning the Truth

Chapter 8

 _Yikes Eternal Fauna here! It kind of took me longer than usual to write this lol (TrueCanadianGirl wasn't kidding when she says I post fast) I just got stumped… then lazy ^.^' A-Anyway! Enjoy!_

* * *

Al was glad to leave his dorm while the dough chilled in the fridge, he knew if he stayed he would just be so bored! He walked upstairs to his friends' dorm and knocked, hearing talking from inside.

"Hey Al!" Mathias greeted as he answered the door. Inside Al could see that Ivan was currently away and Gil and François were in the middle of a conversation about something on the couch.

"Sup guys!" he grinned as he entered.

"How's studying been?" Gil asked, smirking at Al, knowing how easily bored the younger got when it came to working.

"Ugh! It's so boring! I'm making snacks now to try and get Lukas to help me… uh well, Mattie is." The American said sheepishly, glad he had a bro as awesome as Mattie.

"Oh? And how is Matvey? I hear he is still taking Russian." Ivan said as he entered the room, carrying his bag as he entered.

"He's kind of been down since you broke up with him, actually… now that i think about it… you never did spill about what happened when you guys broke up. It was like you were all cool and happy one minute then unhappy and going different paths." Al said, his focus on Ivan.

The large Russian male tensed, his smile forced, his hands twitching ever so slightly while Francois choked on his own saliva beside Al. "He says I was the one who broke up with him does he?"

Al frowned, noticing the reactions of both the older teens, piecing together that his brother had hidden something from him and based on what Ivan was saying and how angry he seemed to get, and from the way François looked worried, it was clear that something happened to his brother last year. "What happened?" He asked, his normally cheerful disposition completely replaced with something more serious than his friends were used to seeing.

"Matvey is just a stupid lap dog that followed that French asshole's lead." Ivan scoffed as he headed towards the kitchen, his bag discarded somewhere.

"Don't talk about my brother like that!"Al growled, instinctively darting forward to grip the front of Ivan's shirt, shoving him into the wall and holding him there.

The Russian teen only smirked, staring Al down, while the bespectacled male held him tightly. "It is truth, No?" This only served to piss Alfred off more. The smaller blonde slamming Ivan into the wall again, the back of his head smacking off the hard surface while Mathias stood up, intending to stop the fight before the first real punch was thrown.

"You shut up! If anyone is trash it's the sick fuck that hurt someone as kind as Mattie!" He still didn't yell, his voice however promised pain and his eyes were shards of ice.

"Al! Calm down, he's not worth it!" Mathias stated, struggling to pull Al away from Ivan.

"Yes. Listen to cheating whore." The Russian said, his gaze now directed at Mathias who appeared stunned, momentarily letting Al go.

"Get out of here Ivan. Now." Gil, who appeared to be in the back, watching the scene before him, said, his arms crossed and his red eyes darkened.

"And why should I weak little man? I simple speak truths." Ivan said, smirking at Gil.

Gil stood tall, eyes focused on Ivan and Ivan only, "Because if you don't leave then I will gladly help Alfred beat you into a pulp. And your sisters will hear how their brother is a sick man that targets kids like little Natalia to hurt."

Ivan glared at the albino male before he huffed and left the room, slamming the door as he did so. All watched him leave, his anger still there. The room was tense once Ivan was gone, no one quite sure what to say.

"I'm going back to my dorm." Al said, still clearly upset by the whole ideal.

"Non, wait until you have calmed down some. It will just upset Mathieu if you were to go home now." François stated, leading Al over to where he was on the couch.

"Franny's right. If you leave now you'll just go home and likely talk about it to him." Gil added with a sigh.

"You should have let me kick his ass." Al muttered, his cold gaze focused on the small coffee table in front of him.

"Which would lead to you getting suspended, look you're our friend, so trust us when we say that no matter how justified it is, it's best just to let it go." Gil said wisely, patting Al's back in a comforting gesture.

"What about the stuff that bastard's done to Mattie?! Shouldn't he get justice served to him? Or what about Mathias? He used a kid far younger than him and then dumped him over text so he could freely date Katyusha, so he shouldn't receive justice either? And you, Franny, why didn't you ever tell me what was really going on back then with Mattie?!" Al snapped at his friends.

A dead silence surrounded the group of friends as Al spoke. Mathias and Francois appearing guilty while Gil looked worried for everyone.

"Mathieu asked that I stay quiet as to not worry you, he made me swear to keep it a secret from you." Francois broke the silence first, his voice quiet and filled with emotions.

"Why? Why would he keep this from me? Just how bad did he treat him?" Al asked, his anger replaced with a mix of worry and sadness. Francois looked away from Al, his expression grim.

"Tell me! How bad did he treat my brother!" Al demanded, grabbing Francois roughly.

"...If physical abuse wasn't enough, He'd mentally abuse him as well, telling him in a multitude of times that without him, Mathieu would be nothing. And from what I saw, after a while, all of the pain and stress were too much for him." Francois said, with a distant look in his eye.

"Didn't you think I should know this?! My bro was getting physically and emotionally abused and no one even thought to say something to me?!" Al asked, shooting Francois a dark look.

Gil on the other hand was shaking his head, his arms were crossed over his chest and he looked like he was thinking really hard about something while he mumbled, "I'll kill that sick bastard…" under his breath.

"I know I should have said something to you, but Mathieu though it best not to say anything to you. I apologize now for not going against him and telling you anyway." The French teen said softly.

"...I need to go see Mattie. I have to be there for him!" Al announced, jumping to his feet.

"Not yet. You're still too angry and emotional. Just try and calm down." Gil said, putting a firm hand on Al's shoulder.

Mathias, who had been quiet for a while now took a deep breath. "Hey, Um… This is all really intense… I'm going to go get some air for a bit." The Danish teen laughed humorously, not even waiting for a response as left the dorm.

* * *

The Danish teen sat on the top of the steps, his mind still drifting toward Lukas, he had wronged the blond so horribly, and yet a part of him was hoping Lukas hadn't moved on yet. He took out his phone, unlocking it with ease before he went to his contacts, even after the break up, Mathias had kept Lukas' number saved in his phone. He hesitated for a bit before he decided to press the call button, his heart pounding nervously as it rang.

When it went to voicemail he gulped before he decided to leave a message. "Hey, Lukas. It's Mathias, So… I was wondering if we could meet up sometime? Maybe talk? I really feel like we need to talk about some things, Anyway, call me back when you can."

* * *

 _Well, this was intense! Next chapter is all TrueCanadianGirl! As Always please review and hope you enjoyed my chapter!_


	9. Call from the past

**Chapter 9**

 **Written by Truecanadiangirl**

 _Hey guys I'm so sorry for not updating sooner, I have had a lot of problems even getting the motivation to write this. Being hit with getting kicked out of my home by my parents followed by a move to the city to live with my more successful little sister and losing the job she got me within 2 weeks of working there… it's been a hard couple of months and honestly I wasn't sure if I was going to take my turn and just let Eternal Fauna take the next couple of chapters but I didn't want to just abandon what we had worked so hard on. So with lots of time and very gentle pushes from Eternal Fauna I was able to get this short chapter up. I'm sorry it took so long and I know I can't promise that I'll be better but I will absolutely try._

* * *

Alfred sat on the couch, being forced to take deep breaths to calm down before he went back home. Gil keeping a close eye on the understandably angry blonde.  
"Francois…" Al started, sighing and scrubbing at his face with his hands, "Sorry for snapping. Thanks for taking care of my bro. Is there anything else i should know NOW before going to talk to him?" He wanted to know as much as possible so he didn't bombard his twin and make things worse. Listening completely silently as his friend spoke.

* * *

Lukas helped Mattie clean and wrap his cuts, sighing as he cleaned the bathroom tiles, he hoped Mattie truly didn't need to go to the hospital. His phone rang loudly, startling him out of his thoughts. He ignored it, too focused on helping Mattie to think of who would be calling him right now.

Mattie looked over at him tiredly, his skin slightly pale from the blood loss. "You should answer that, it could be Tino." His voice was tired and slightly strained as he tried to encourage his friend to pick up.

Lukas frowned, keeping his focus on cleaning the mess. If it was Tino, he didn't want to alert his brother to the worry he knew would be in his voice if they spoke. "You know that's probably not a good idea right now Mattie… We don't want him asking questions again… Not if you want to keep this hidden from him." He pointed out, taking the bloody cloth and rinsing it out. "Besides I don't want to get my phone wet."

"Lukas… thank you for helping… But seriously I'm good now. See?" Mattie smiled, pale but he sat up to try and help, reaching for a bloodied rag Lukas had left on the tiled floor, most of the floor cleaned up thanks to the Nordic teen. Picking the rag up, sluggishly he held it in his grasp, feeling somewhat pleased with himself that he could move his wrists.

"See Lukas? I can finish this up myself. Go handle your brother." Mattie stated, his voice soft. Lukas rolled his eyes but left the bathroom, washing the drying blood off of his hands in the kitchen sink before he took his phone out of his back pocket, checking to see if his brother had in fact called him. Eyes going wide as he recognized the number.

Lukas felt his blood run cold, his hands shaking he stared at his screen, his fingers unable to press the button needed for him to listen to the message he left. "Mathias." He whispered. He took a deep breath then forced himself to connect to his voicemail. A familiar voice filling the air.

"Hey, Lukas. It's Mathias, So… I was wondering if we could meet up sometime? Maybe talk? I really feel like we need to talk about some things, Anyway, call me back when you can."

Mattie left the bathroom, the tiles finally cleaned up, and saw the other teen frozen in place. "Lukas? What happened? Is Tino okay?" He asked, his tired voice filled with worry.

Lukas opened his mouth only to shut it, shaking his head over and over. "I... I gotta go. Tino's fine it's just..." The blond could fe bile build up in him, his lungs burning as if he was suffocating. "Sorry..." Lukas whispered as he ran out of the dorm.

Mattie frowned, hoping everything was alright with the Nordic twins.

* * *

François' words echoed in his ears as Al left his friend's dorm. His brother had been emotionally and mentally abused for so long by someone Al once considered to be his close friend. Sighing walked to the floor his dorm was located, his eyes widening as he spotted Lukas leaving his dorm looking pale and covering his mouth.

'Did he find out I was making him cookies? Does he hate butter cookies?! Oh god what if he never wants to talk to me again?!' Al thought worriedly, shaking himself from his revery he focused on what was important. He had to talk to his brother and let him know he had support. He took a deep breath and opened the dorm room door. Coming face to face with his extremely pale twin. Mattie's face taking on a greenish hue as he stood next to the garbage with a damp grocery bag in his hand, the contents within dyed pink, or at least it looked pink through the many layers of plastic.

"I-I… Icanexplain!" the words came out in a rush and it took the blonde several seconds of reeling and blinking to comprehend them.

"Bro, you don't have to explain anything… just please tell me you didn't spill the beans about the cookies." He didn't know what exactly was going on but it was clear that his brother wasn't ready to actually say what happened… So just for now he'd play dumb. Until he had all the facts and could actually help… if it was needed.

Mattie was so happy his brother was oblivious to everything. shaking his head he proceeded to throw away the damp bag he had been holding… making a personal promise to take out the garbage as soon as the world stopped spinning around him. "He doesn't know about the cookies… I just know he got a call and needed to run… So i didn't stop him. I figured he got a call from Tino with bad news..."

Al blew out a breath of relief, a half-grin showing up on his face. "Cool cause I was starting to think he hated the cookies and therefore would hate me forever and never want to tutor me… I hope nothing bad happened though. He deserves to be happy and stuff..."

* * *

 _Thank you for reading this chapter, thank you so much for being patient with me. Thank you EternalFauna for the gentle pushes and all the help in writing and editing this chapter. Thank you to my friends for all the support with everything that happened and I hope that the next chapter I write won't take as long._


	10. Reconcile of the worst kind

Chapter 10

 _Hey guys! Eternal Fauna here! So last chapter we discovered some things and learned some more about the North American twins and all that which is awesome! So before I continue this intro I want to make sure I remember to mention that this story has some very dark themes._

 **TRIGGER WARNINGS: The following chapter contains many of the following triggers, Eating Disorders, Depression, Thoughts of Suicide, Along with graphic depictions of Self Harm, The authors highly recommend those who are sensitive to the above subjects either click off this story or please proceed with caution. We care about our readers and don't want to be the cause of anyone's pain.**

 _Okay! Now that I have that is out of the way, onto the story!_

* * *

Lukas felt his breathing grow erratic as he made it down the hall to his room. He wasn't even sure why he felt so strongly for this, he was a stupid kid then, one that had so blindingly trusted someone he thought he loved and loved him in return. He stood outside the door to his dorm for a good while, trying to calm his breathing, not wanting to worry anyone else, knowing Mattie was no doubt concerned about him. He couldn't believe how badly hearing Mathias' voice had affected him, he felt so stupid to still feel some form of hope for Mathias returning his affections. With one last deep breath he put on a neutral expression and headed inside, a part of him hoping Tino would be asleep already.

As he walked inside he found his twin awake and sitting on his bed with his laptop on, the screen illuminating the area. "You still doing homework?" Lukas asked startling Tino.

"Yeah! Lukas come check this out! I get to perform this in front of the entire class! Isn't that great?" Tino asked excitedly, turning his laptop around so Lukas could see what he was talking about.

It was a song by Destractive, a heavy metal group from Finland. Lukas liked them, but he wasn't quite sure about his brother singing one of their more hardcore songs in front of the entire class, but hey, if Tino wanted to do it, it was on him and Lukas would be there to support him every step of the way. "They're letting you do it? That's great!" Lukas said, hoping he didn't sound too fake there. He really was happy for his brother, but he wanted to get away, to go to the bathroom and purge. He hated it, but he had a strong need to do so now. "Hey, Tino? I um… think I caught whatever it was that Mattie had…" Lukas groaned for affect, holding his stomach. Tino jumped to attention, tossing his laptop to the side, his worry for his brother growing.

"Oh no! Do you want to lie down? I could make you some soup!" Tino offered.

"Thanks for the offer Tino… but I don't want to throw it up…" Lukas told his brother weakly.

Tino's worry only grew as Lukas made it to the bathroom, the door slamming shut. "Poor Lukas! He sounds awful." Tino whispered, deciding some soothing ginger tea would help as he went into the kitchen to make some.

"Lukas? Do you want me to get you anything?" Tino called from out as he heard his twin heaving in the bathroom. He had just finished making his brother some tea and was tempted on going to the nearest dollar store and buying medicine for him.

"...I'm fine…" Lukas finally replied as he re-entered the room, his skin pale and his face with a tint of green, the rest of him appearing disheveled as he slumped onto his bed, not even bothering to change into his pajamas.

Tino frowned as he saw his brother's appearance. It obvious that Lukas was not fine, Tino just didn't know his brother would be that affected by Mattie's bug. "I made you some ginger tea to help settle your stomach." Tino told him, offering the cup of steaming tea.

"Don't want… I just need sleep." Lukas mumbled tiredly.

Tino nodded and helped his brother out of his school attire and into some more comfortable clothing, watching as Lukas quickly fell asleep the moment his head hit the pillow.

As morning came, Tino peeked over at his brother, seeing that he had yet to move from his previous sleeping position, with a sigh Tino got up, deciding that sleep would be the best thing for Lukas as he got ready for school.

As Tino started to leave he turned back to his brother before he gently shook him awake. "Lukas, I'm heading to school. I want you to stay in bed and rest, I'll bring you notes later and come check on you at lunch, okay?" he whispered, loud enough that Lukas heard him.

Tino waited for his brother to nod or respond in some way before he left, hoping his brother got enough sleep while he attended school for the day.

* * *

As Tino walked to his first class of the day, he was welcomed by a grinning Al holding a small, nicely decorated box with the words "Please help me" written on the outside.

"Lukas likes butter cookies right? So I made him some, where is he anyway?" Al asked, looking behind Tino to see if maybe Lukas was somehow going to materialize there.

"I'll give them to him when I see him at lunch. He caught whatever it was Mattie had and it's hitting him hard.

Al frowned while Mattie, who was beside Al, looking over his notes looked over at the pair worriedly. "Seriously? And I worked so hard on these toooooooo!" Al whined while Mattie asked,

"Is Lukas alright?"

"He's resting now, Luckily!" Tino explained, his voice rising in pitch as he talked about his ill twin, of course he couldn't say anything else as Mr. Dickerson entered the room, signalling that everyone should be quiet and seated.

Tino was busy practicing in his choir class, going over the song he was going to sing in class, any minute now the bell would ring and Tino would be able to check on Lukas. He was on the last verse went the bell rang, meaning lunch had begun. Tino just started packing up when his teacher Ms. whatsaname approached him.

"Mr. Bondevik, is something going on? You barely raised your voice during class today!" she asked before adding quickly. "And if this is about your song choice, don't worry! I already gave my approval for it!"

"No it's just," Tino paused, eying the door. "My brother…"

"Lukas? Why he can join you! He can sing too, yes? Then it's settled! I want you at full attention tomorrow! And bring your brother sometime!" Tino's choir teacher told him with a large grin plastered on his tan face.

"Of course…" Tino replied, mentally cursing at the fact that he had somehow managed to get his sick brother roped into joining him in his choir assignment. "Is that all you needed Mr. Nuklson?"

The moment those words escaped his lips, Tino felt his blood run cold.

"Now that I think of it… Can you help me run a few errands?" Mr. Nuklson asked.

Tino knew already that he couldn't quite say no to him as he sadly dropped his bags to the side, pulling his phone out so he could at least call Lukas up and check and see how he was doing.

-(Meanwhile)-

Lukas yawned tiredly and looked at his brightly lit phone screen, wincing as the brightness hit his eyes harshly. Once his eyes adjusted, he blinked and saw that he had never exited out of his voicemail section, his blue eyes focused on the number that had affected him so. "Mathias…" He whispered softly.

He moved out of his bed, still holding his phone as he stood up. "Sorry T, I'm not as well as you thought I was." He got dressed and with a deep shaky breath he dialed Mathias number, returning his call.

"Hello?"

Lukas gulped but decided to follow through anyway. "You wanted to meet up? Can we meet now?"

"Hm? Wait for reals? Uh… Yeah! Its lunch now, can we meet up at the old café we used to go to?" Mathias asked.

The café. That place held good memories as well as a large amount of bad ones for Lukas. He felt his heart race, remembering the moment he had first met Mathias at, in the springtime, he had been there to study for a bit and get away from his brother for a while. Mathias had insisted on talking to him then, ordering him a green tea drink and sitting at his table laughing and smiling without a care in the world. Lukas had been laughing and smiling as well, finding this older student to be just so interesting and kind. He even shared his sketches to Mathias, something he only did with his brother.

"Yeah. Okay I'll see you there." Lukas finally said.

"Great!" Was all Mathias replied with before the line went dead.

Lukas sighed, setting his phone down on his bed before he left the dorm, heading to the very place it had all began.

* * *

Entering the small quaint establishment that was so close to the school he felt his heart skip a beat. There at the table they had met at sat Mathias, his grin as large as ever, his bright blue eyes shining.

"Lukas! Hey!" Mathias greeted as Lukas sat down at the table, his shaky hands going over the ceramic cup in front of him that smelled of tea. "I ordered tea for you! I wasn't sure if you would show up however so I drank some of it…" The older male then admitted with a nervous awkward laugh.

"I see." Lukas replied smoothly.

"Listen Lukas. I don't want any hard feelings between us, okay? I'm so sorry for how I acted back then, it was so wrong of me!" Mathias got out, his words jumbled as he got them out quickly.

As the words translated in his head, Lukas felt himself struggle to not start sobbing. "T-thank you." He whispered tearfully. He felt like maybe, just maybe they could start over and become a couple once more.

"You accept my apology then?" Mathias asked a d when he received a nod in reply he cheered. "That's so great! Man that's such a relief!"

"Maybe… We could hang out sometime?" Lukas boldly asked.

"Yeah totally! It can't be on the weekends though, Kat and I are using weekends as the time to plan our wedding." Mathias told Lukas happily.

Wedding. Mathias was getting married. Suddenly the tea he had been drinking no longer had a taste to it. He felt like the universe was crashing down on him, ready to crush him where he sat. He needed to run. "That's fine. I'm… Busy on the weekends anyway…" He told Mathias while he begun to back away to the door.

"Ah okay! We should still meet up though! I don't think you met Kat before anyway, maybe the three of us could hang out sometime! It'd be fun!" Mathias beamed innocently.

Escape. Lukas no longer was able to fully listen to anyone as he ran, rushing as fast as he could back to his dorm, hoping and praying Tino hadn't come back to check on him.

* * *

Next chapter is all TrueCanadianGirl! Hope you enjoyed this one! Aww man this story is getting intense!


	11. Final Goodbyes

**Chapter 11**

 _TrueCanadianGirl here, I want to thank you again for your patience with me. I want to thank Eternal Fauna for her support and I want to say that I am sorry my life keeps getting in the way of writing. I honestly don't know why when writing helps me put a handle on the rampant thoughts in my head and helps me deal with everything going on._

 _I want to say i am putting a bit of a different spin on Mattie's parts in this chapter. I hope it turns out how i want it to and I hope that it doesn't cause problems for you dear readers._

 _AS ALWAYS before a darker chapter we will start with the Triggers._

 _ **TRIGGER WARNINGS: The following chapter contains many of the following triggers: Eating Disorders, Depression, Attempted Suicide, Along with graphic depictions of Self Harm, The authors highly recommend those who are sensitive to the above subjects either click off this story or please proceed with caution. We care about our readers and don't want to be the cause of anyone's pain.**_

* * *

Al sighed softly, looking at Lukas with that kicked puppy look that he had adopted since his attempt at bribing the blonde with cookies. He had been outed immediately by the sharp boy who recognized the recipe that had been used. He knew that Mattie had done all the work and was angry with the American for taking credit. On one hand Al completely understood where Lukas was coming from but he still felt like a permanent ban from the study group and the silent treatment he was getting was a bit over the top. Mattie had only shrugged when complained to about it saying something like 'you should apologize then.' He had TRIED, that's the most frustrating thing… he had TRIED to apologize to Lukas and to Mattie… Even going as far as to beg Tino to give his twin notes with an explanation. He had stopped those notes when Lukas had torn one up into little pieces and dumped the specks of paper on his desk without even unfolding it.

Another sigh, heavier this time, another forlorn look towards his pissed off friend. Ignoring the class of Mr. Dickerson so completely he didn't even hear the bell signifying the end of it.

"Al… if you keep looking at him like that people are going to think he killed your favorite pet." came the quiet voice of his twin. There was another source of stress for the normally boisterous blonde. His own twin had been hiding his pain from him for who knows how long and even Al had started to notice that Mattie's grades had started to slip. He had noticed that a lot of their towels had started to get replaced more often. And when asked Mat just claimed that the old ones had fallen apart in the wash and just needed to be replaced… But he knew that wasn't true. Some of the ones to go missing were less than two months old… and barely used if used at all. But he couldn't ask, couldn't push the issue in case he made it worse. He hated this keeping secrets shit but he knew instinctively that if he said anything about the dirtbag russian to his brother then whatever spiral he was in would get worse. Alfred ran his hands through his hair and stood up picking up his things.

"You think if i don't utterly destroy a batch of cookies he will forgive me? Or do you think he'd dump them on my head like he did my notes?" He asked, only partially joking. He had been wracking his brains for a plan since the show thing that Tino's music class had put on a week ago.

"Don't know bro, it might be worth a try." Mattie smiled slightly, "I don't think I'll be taking over this time though." Al snorted and rolled his eyes. Keeping the illusion going even though it killed him inside.

"No but you would know the best recipe for me to start with… Riiigghhhtttt?" the brothers walked through the halls towards the exit, joking and teasing each other as if nothing was wrong. Getting to their dorm both boys dropped their bags at the entrance and flopped into their respective beds. The little bear grumbling as his lazy day was disturbed. Several minutes later Al's phone buzzed, and when he checked it he saw a link to a simple cookie recipe with pictures from his brother.

"There… Don't say i didn't do anything for you" Came the wry remark from the wavy haired blonde across the room.

"You really are the best Mattie." He paused as he got up. Trusting that they had all the ingredients but he wanted to say something before leaving the room. "Just don't ever forget that I love you. Kay Matthew?" He waited at the door, he rarely called his twin by his full name and he was wondering if the other would notice the odd behaviour.

"I know Al, go make your cookies. I'll be here when you make the kitchen explode." Al hesitated once more before stepping out of the room and leaving Mattie alone with his thoughts.

Al stared at the directions on his phone, they were cookies made from three simple ingredients. Just simple peanut-butter cookies, he could be quick enough in the kitchen to return to his brother's side without a problem. The blonde felt he had to, something in the way his brother had been acting recently made his instincts scream that leaving his twin alone right now was the worst thing to do. Like whatever it was that his brother was hiding from him was getting worse but Mattie was smart so there was nothing he could use to start the conversation… no proof and the slight slip ups he had were explained away by being tired or not feeling good.

With a sigh Al read the recipe on his phone once more, feeling his lips curve up slightly as he saw that his brother had added in little notes for him. Simple things like telling him how much of the ingredients to add and how high to turn the oven to when it came to baking them. "fifteen minutes for each batch… and putting only 6 on the sheet... " he murmured to himself. Furrowing his brow at the list of ingredients, two cups of peanut butter… One half cup of sugar… two eggs… this is a double batch, something about practice and giving Lukas the ones that turn out well… Yeah… he could totally do this fast and make his bro proud at the same time. But first, he needed to preheat the oven… double. No TRIPLE the given temperature. That means five minutes per batch… And he remembered vaguely his brother talking about how recipes were just recommendations and you could improvise.

He started to pull out the cups from the cupboard to do the measuring, deciding not to use Mattie's favorite teacup bowl thing to measure the peanut-butter, instead filling the giant cup about half-way with sugar. This is what he meant right? Al wondered briefly as he watched the small bag basically get emptied into the cup, after a second he shrugged and emptied the rest of the bag into the cup, filling it to the brim. Sweeter was better right? Ok now for the peanut butter, he looked around the kitchen until he found the tub and what he thought was a suitable measuring tool for it. Carefully scooping it out until he hit the second mark, or at least he tried, he ran out of the ingredient before he got there and dug around until he found his brother's secret stash of smooth Peanut-butter, dumping that into the container and mixed it in, grinning. Damn he was glad his brother always had extra 'hidden' away where he thought Al couldn't find it. OK, now for the mixing bowl and the eggs. He looked at the 'measured' out ingredients and hummed. What bowl would be big enough for this? OH! He dragged out the small 'tub' Mattie used to bathe the bear-cub. Washing it out as much as possible with soap and hot water. Hmm maybe not this? He didn't want to make his friend sick after all. So after dumping out the water he went digging for a container or bowl that would be able to hold the mess of peanut butter and sugar, cheering in delight as he pulled out one of those massive popcorn bowls that could hold like four bags of popcorn. Dumping the juice pitcher filled with peanut butter into it and then adding the cup/bowl of sugar to it. Soon the recommended two eggs followed and he shoved the wooden spoon into it. Trying his best to mix it all together. The beeping sound of the oven announcing it was heated all the way meant he had to find the cookie sheet and scoop the mess onto it. Wondering in what world this amount of mix would be only 24 the brilliant idea occurred to him. He could turn it into a Cookie-Cake! Finding one of the bigger cake-pans he dumped the mix in, egg-shells and all and flattened it so it was as even as he could get it. Bracing himself for the heat he opened the oven and dropped the pan in the middle of it, slamming it closed after. "Mattie is going to be SO proud of me!" He filled the sink with water and soap and started washing the things he had used. Leaving them on the drying rack when he was done.

He was using his phone to time the cake-cookie-thing, sitting down while he waited for the last minute or two to go by. Said device buzzing in his hand distracting him from his brilliant 'recipe' checking the message he saw Gil's number.

From: Gil - Hey man, I noticed Matties been a bit down lately… Can you tell me how he's doing?

The blonde moved to the door of their bedroom and peeked in. Seeing his twin asleep he closed the door and sent a quick message back.

To: Gil - HEY! DX Mattie's not doing 2 well… Think he might be sad abt something :/

From: Gil - Really? What about? Do you know? Did Ivan talk to him or something?

Al glowered at the name on his screen. Oh how he wished he could tear that almost albino a new asshole. But he couldn't. At least not yet.

To: Gil - No. Asshat has kept his distance from what ive seen. Been trying to stay wth Bro as much as pssble… Mat's jst been dwn.

From: Gil - keep me updated kay? I want to help Birdy as much as possible.

To: Gil - Yeah, alright.

To: Gil - Thanks bro. Don't know if i could B calm knowing scum was still walking around if you didn't help as much as you did.

From: Gil - you'd do the same if it was Luddy

(Draft) To: Gil - Probably not the exact same snce I dont want into your bro's pan-

He almost dropped his phone in surprise as the blaring sound of the fire alarm started going off. Eyes wide he darted over to the oven and threw it open, the black smoke billowing out to fill the room and his lungs soon after. He ran to the window and threw it open in a desperate attempt to get fresh air into the dorm room. The bedroom door opening slowly with a tired Mattie stepping out.

"Al… I knew you'd burn the cookies bu-" he froze as his eyes took in the black smoke billowing out of the oven. "WHAT DID YOU DO?" he yelled, darting off for the fire extinguisher they kept in the linen closet.

"I-I *cough* I Tried t-to improvise like y-you said you could when baking..." he coughed out the smoke from his lungs.

"...How much "improvising" did you do?" he asked once he was sure the creation wasn't going to burn down the whole building.

"Uhh ...all of it…?" He mumbled, rubbing the back of his head guiltily.

Mattie sighed deeply and grabbed the pet carrier he had packed away for Kuma. Rounding up his bear and walking out the door without seeing if his brother was following. Stopping just outside the dorm for a second to attach a pre-made poster he had ready for a situation like this to the wall.

" _ **Do not panic, there is no fire. Just Alfred trying to cook without supervision. Sorry for the inconvenience and noise"**_

When it was put up properly he picked up the carrier again and walked towards Lukas and Tino's dorm-room. His brother following behind him a bit dejectedly. He had been SO sure on his recipe idea.

"I know your mad… but I had a brilliant idea… and HAD to make it… Hold on. I wanted to make A COOKIE CAKE! MATTIE. A COOKIE CAKE! IT WAS BRILLIANT! How could it not work?" he seemed genuinely confused about that. The fact that his quick math and perfect timing skills ended up turning into a brick of charcoal.

Mattie sighed and groaned at his 'brilliant' brother. "It was a simple recipe. It had 3 ingredients! It barely took that long to make... how...? Why? Al WHY didn't you just follow the five steps needed to make them?" He said in exasperation. "I even gave you notes on the recipe… To make it EASIER!"

Al didn't respond to that. Instead knocking on the door they had stopped in front of, fire alarm beeping still going off in the distance. Other students were looking out into the hall curiously and it only served to embarrass Al more. As they stood waiting, he swore the sound of the fire alarm grew louder, causing his face to turn a deep shade of red, mentally begging his friends to open up.

Mattie stood beside him sighing and holding his little bear close, "You could have burned our entire dorm down." He reminded his twin

Al huffed. "There weren't even flames. We were totally safe!"

Mattie rolls his eyes and shot Tino a grateful look as he finally opens the door.

Tino looked from either brother before his eyes moved past them, hearing the fire alarm as well. "Should I worry?"

"No, My brother just attempted to cook a SIMPLE recipe. Can we stay here until our dorm airs out?"

"Of course! Come inside! I'll go let Lukas know you're here!" Tino moved to the side, letting the brothers inside the dorm. He was just about to leave to the bedroom he and Lukas shared when he saw his brother enter the room.

Lukas walked out of another room and arched a brow at the group, "And what happened?"

"OKAY I ADMIT IT! I CREATED GENIUS THAT OUR OVEN COULDN'T HANDLE! IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A GIFT FOR YOU LUKAS AS AN APOLOGY!" Al admitted. "It was a cookie cake..." he pouted crossing his arms and plopping down on one of the chairs. "It would have been perfect…"

Lukas let out a soft chuckle, trying to compose himself afterwards, as if he hadn't just laughed at something dumb Al had done. "A cookie cake?" He asked, his lips quirking up ever so slightly.

Al grinned, seeing this as victory and decided to run with it for a while.

"Yeah dude! Cookie cake!" Mattie rolled his eyes and pointed at his brother once he had freed his bear from his crate.

"Al? You are never allowed to step into another kitchen again. Ever. I don't care."

Al winced and lifted his hand. "I washed the dishes I used at least..." He tried to defend at least part of his honor. Mattie had to think for a second, paling as he remembered seeing something.

"Alfred, what did you use the juice pitcher for? And WHY was Kuma's tub out?"

"The juice thing I used to measure the peanut butter! I even made sure to fill it to the second line! And I was debating using Kuma's tub to mix the stuff but I thought of the popcorn bowl… Why?" He looked around the suddenly very quiet room. Even the bear paused his snuffling around the new space to stare at Al. "What?! It said two cups! I filled it to the second line."

"I take that back. You are allowed in the kitchen ONLY so you can survive more than a day on your own." Lukas was openly laughing at Al's confusion now.

"Al… Even I know what two cups means in cooking." Lukas said between giggles.

"Well… I didn't… I just get bored when Mattie goes on about his baking… So I tune him out?" he avoided meeting the glare his brother shot him.

"I can teach you to make all sorts of yummy cakes some time!" Tino offered with a grin.

"By the way... for your cookie cake...how many eggs did you add in?"

" Yeah see that part threw me off since like who puts eggs in cookies? so I just added in two eggs. they didn't mix as well as I thought."

Mattie paled. "Mix well... Al... you cracked them, right? before you put them into the mix?" He asked, hoping he didn't have to buy a new mixer because of his brother.

"No? Was I supposed to?"

At this point Lukas was mentally a goner. He had to lean on his twin for support, laughing hard as all of them realized what Al had done." Y-you... y-you... just tossed full eggs into the bowl?"

"...Yes Al. you were supposed to crack the eggs. Why wouldn't you crack the eggs?" Mattie was talking from the permanent facepalm his brother had caused, sitting on the floor as he tried to process everything that had gone wrong with the attempt.

"How was I supposed to know?"

"...It's simple logic. Do you like egg shell in your food?"

"N-no… but then again… You are the one who cooks all the time so… it's not my fault…?"

Mattie just groaned in response. Tino taking pity on him started setting up air mattresses. "Here Matt, you look like you could use some rest…" Mattie nodded, grateful for the offer and shot Tino a soft tired smile. Lukas had left again, returning seconds later with blankets and pillows, still chuckling to himself.

"If it's any consolation… I forgive you, Al for taking credit… I'm glad you did because if you had actually made those cookies you gave me I wouldn't be here."

Al grinned at Lukas' words glad that he was forgiven. He watched as the Nordic twins set up beds, the two adding sheets, blankets and pillows to both air mattresses. He didn't want to sleep now though, he felt so awake now! His brother flopping onto the mattress almost as soon as it was set up. Keeping extra layers on the bed so Kuma could climb up and not puncture the mattress.

The other three sat at the table, looking over some notes for a while and helping Al get ready for a test that was coming up. Tino sighed as he saw the clock, "It's almost midnight. We can talk more in the morning, but for now let's try to get some sleep." He said calmly, stretching and getting up. Al frowned but nodded and headed over to the other air mattress, lying down on it. His phone right beside him so he could wake up in the morning.

Tino and Lukas were just heading toward their room, Mattie having long since fallen asleep When the Final Fantasy Victory Theme blasted through the peace, startling everyone in the dorm. Al fumbled with his phone and turned off the unexpected alarm, eyes wide as he saw the note he had left on it.  
 _Pull out cookies!_

Well… that explained why it hadn't gone off while he had been talking to Gil… He quickly deleted the alarm and note from his phone before his brother could steal it and see what just woke him up.

"Sorry! Sorry… it's off now, night… see you guys in the morning." He shoved the phone under his pillow and rolled over.

* * *

-Next day-

* * *

Mattie awoke, nearly forgetting what had happened last night until the unfamiliar smell of bacon hit him. He peeked his head tiredly through the blankets he was burrowed in and saw that Tino was making breakfast, his brother and Lukas sitting at the table, waiting impatiently for food. Checking his phone for the time he saw it was 6:30 in the morning. ". . . You three are insane…" he mumbled before rolling over and burying his face in his bear's fur, attempting to fall asleep again.

"Yo bro! do you want some breakfast? Tino's cooking!" Al yelled loudly, seeing that Mattie had shifted a bit on the air mattress. This earned him a groan from his brother and a grumpy growl from the cub snuggled into his master's arms. ". . . Well okay then… Boss Bear refuses to get up… Cool more bacon for me!" he grinned, as the bear lifted his furry head and stared at him. Silently begging for some of the wonderful meat smell in the room. But he knew that Mattie disproved of begging, so he usually just begged when his master wasn't looking. The words combined with his bear's movement made Matthew roll over and stare daggers at his grinning twin.

"You have been giving him scraps from the table again!" He yelled. Getting up to stalk towards the table.

"Uhhh Mattie? Y-you are supposed to be the nice twin remember?" Al joked nervously, hoping to diffuse the situation before it could really escalate. Again.

"Al I asked you to stop doing that! You could make him sick... Please?" He deflated and sat in one of the nearby chairs, too tired right now to hold onto the anger. Al sobered up and watched his twin with worry. Watching as the bear that had just been begging crawl over to climb into his master's lap and comfort him. The little bear licking Matt's sleeve before curling up and ignoring everyone else.

"Yeah… Sorry bro… Won't happen again" Lukas and Tino watched the entire exchange in silence, Tino just worried that the brothers would have an off day, similar to how he and Lukas sometimes had after a morning fight. Lukas stared at Mattie and Kuma for several long moments before turning the attention away from them. By getting up and trying to sneak some of the cooked bacon.

* * *

-Later that day-

* * *

As the day came to a close, the group of four having gone about their day at school, Mattie and Al stood outside their last shared class together, both of them talking in low voices as other students walked past them.

"Are you sure Mattie? I won't be home till like 6… I know you haven't been feeling well…" Al had just been asked by his coach to come to the meeting to go over the training plan. Something told him it was a bad idea to just leave his brother alone without letting him know. Causing the slight commotion during the last break between classes.

"I'm not a child Al… I'll probably stop by the study group for a while and go home to sleep or something… maybe bring Kuma to Francois to get his fur brushed properly and his nails clipped..." Mattie patted his brother's arm briefly. "Go to your meeting. I'll figure out my plan, later." He grabbed his Russian books and notes to head to his last class, smiling at his brother's anxious face. "It'll be okay Al. Text me when you head out."

"Okay, okay.. Thanks bro." he grinned back, hiding the spike of anger when he saw the books. "I'll catch you later bro… gotta go before i'm late to class."

Mattie waved until he couldn't see his twin anymore, leaning on his locker for a second before dumping most of his books back in it. Keeping his personal notebook with him as he went the opposite direction his class was in. Looking for someone specific, just this once since his break-up he looked for Ivan.

It took a while but he searched the russian's favorite hangout spots until he finally ran into the one he was looking for. Checking the time he faced the violet eyed boy with his back straight and his chin up. It was too important to say this to let his exhaustion and naturally timid nature take over this time.

Ivan finally noticed his ex who stood there, defiant a few steps away from the group of older kids. Snorting at the whispered words from Feliks he stepped closer to Mattie. "Little Matvey has finally come crawling back to me?" The tone of his voice was a mix of cold and amused. Still Matthew stood tall.

"I'm here to say that… in the end you were right Ivan. I am just as useless as you kept telling me. But I refuse to come back to you and I refuse to lie to my brother anymore. This… This today is me saying goodbye." Mattie smiled sadly up at the shocked Russian. Nodding politely at Feliks and Toris before turning and walking away.

"What? Wait! I am not done Matvey!" He broke out of his shock to try and grab the smaller boy's arm, Mattie simply sidestepping the attempt and disappearing around the corner. Fading into the small crowd of students that had a spare this period and were heading home. Ivan couldn't do anything except watch as one of the only people to pronounce his name correctly left him.

* * *

-Mattie's PoV-

* * *

I skipped my last class to find Ivan, heading straight home after. Closing the door I slumped against it tiredly. Looking around for a second for my bear for comfort I remembered that we had spent the night at Lukas's… And My pet was left there for the day while the dorm I now stood in aired out from the disaster from last night… I felt the pressure that had been building in my chest growing more and more painful by the second. Clutching my chest I sobbed and let myself curl up. Glad for once that I knew I had time, time to get the last tears out of my system. Tears flowing unrelentingly down my cheeks and soaking the sleeves of my long sweater. Just letting it all out for once until my body couldn't produce anymore tears and I was left lying there hiccupping and coughing.

After a couple hours lying prone on the floor I finally sat up slowly, feeling almost numb I dialed a number. I wanted to talk to someone and I knew Al would be the wrong person to call right now. He was going to be hurt enough as it was after this endless day was through. My heart freezing as the call went straight to voicemail. No… no I needed to talk to someone. I hung up and tried again, a desperate need replacing the numbness I had been feeling not even two seconds ago.

Again voicemail. Another try and Voicemail for the third time. Choking on my emotions I left a message, my cry for help. "I-I'm sorry... I don't know what to do anymore... I just want to disappear... Lukas please just... I need to know... I need... I need someone to show me... not just tell me... that I have a purpose... I need it... please Lukas… please pick up…" After a few seconds of nothing I let out a choked sob and ended the message. I couldn't call Gil, he was on the team with Al so they were both busy. I couldn't call Francois, or Arthur, or Tino… or Kiku… There was nobody left to help me. With shaking hands I put my phone down. It was hopeless, I had made my decision earlier today. I just had hoped that someone… would try to stop me… but I also knew that if i really wanted to be stopped I would call my brother…

I took a deep breath and opened my journal, carefully taking the note out I re-read it. Had to make sure I hadn't forgotten anything in it, since it wasn't like i could edit it after. Satisfied I folded it and stood slowly to put it on the table as I walked past it to the bathroom. Opening the medicine cabinet I picked some of the bottles out and took them all without thinking about it anymore. Looking at my phone one last time as the world started going dark.

New Message From: Al - Hey bro, I'm on my way home. Meeting ended early cuz half the team was out sick or failing their classes. See you soon! :D

I felt sad for a second that I couldn't see well enough to reply, I heard my name being called soon after… then I knew nothing.

* * *

It bothered him that his brother hadn't replied to any of his texts. That gut feeling he had earlier coming back with a vengeance, pushing him to sprint back to the dorm building. Stopping for half a second before rushing to the room he shared with his twin instead of Tino and Lukas's place. Slamming the door open he hurried in. dread filling his stomach when he saw the note on the table. "MATTHEW!" He practically screamed, hoping his gut instinct was wrong… Please let him hear his brother asking what his problem was… He opened the note and felt his heart seize in his chest at the first words. "No! Nononono! Matthew! WHERE ARE YOU?!" another panicked scream as he went to the bedroom first to find it empty. Darting to the bathroom next he tried to open the door but it was stopped by a weight on the other side. Tears streamed down his face unheeded as he forced it open and bent down to the limp body of his twin. "O-Oh g-god… Come on m-mattie... just hold on… just please hold on" He begged, Dialing 911 and directing the ambulance to their dorm. Then he called Gil for help to bring the paramedics to the right place.

In the next few minutes while he waited for help to arrive he clutched his brother to his chest, rocking and sobbing as fear ate at him. Praying to every god he knew for his brother to be okay. When Gil finally brought help it took all his willpower to let them take his brother from his arms.

"Come on Alfred, I'll drive you to the hospital." Gil offered quietly, the albino fighting not to lose what little composure he had, doing his best to be strong as he watched Birdy get carried out and watched Al, the strongest kid he knew fall apart. He guided the teen to his car, following the ambulance as best as he could. Al running into the hospital before the vehicle had stopped moving.

Al felt his heart racing, all of his thoughts swirling in his head as he looked around the busy hospital, trying to find his brother. He went up to the nurse's station, trying to remember to breathe. "M-my brother... Where's my brother..." He struggled to get it out, his mind going back to how he found Mattie, how pale and lifeless he looked.

"What is your brother's name, sir?" the nurse he had talked to asked, looking at him with concern.

"M-Matthew... His name is Matthew. He was... recently brought in." Alfred couldn't think anymore, could barely speak. He was fearing the worst for Mattie, hoping, praying he had gotten home in time. Gilbert, who had recently run in as well, after parking, came over to where his friend was talking, appearing just as afraid as Al was.

"We're looking for Matthew Williams. He... was taken here by an ambulance not long ago." Gilbert, said calmly, despite how internally freaked out he was feeling at the moment. She typed on her computer for a second before frowning and shaking her head.

"I'm very sorry sir, it seems like your brother is still in intensive care, we won't know the results for a little while." she handed Gil a clipboard and pointed to the side. "If you could just fill this out for us, I'll notify the doctor that you are here."

"Come on Al," Gil said, dragging Al away so they could fill Mattie's information out and wait, both of them very clearly stressed. Al felt his legs shake, his foot tapping nervously on the ground, he NEEDED to see Mattie. "Here. I'll fill this out. can you text Tino and Lukas and let them know what's going on? And ask them how soon they could get here?" Al nodded absently and dug in his pocket for his phone, freezing as he felt the folded paper instead. He pulled it out of his pocket and opened it with shaking hands, his heart pounding in his chest as he read it.

 _I hate myself, I hate how useless I am, I hate how weak I am, both physically and emotionally, I hate that I have these thoughts, I hate that I am struggling so much to get up long enough to make myself something to eat. I hate that I feel so empty inside, like there's a gaping wound in my soul. I'm Sorry Al that I can't speak up and say that it hurts so much to keep going. I know that I'm not healthy, and i know that these thoughts i had could probably be taken care of, but I know I'm losing myself, fading away._

 _I kept having the thought to just disappear, to cut myself out of everyone's lives if only to save them from my poisoned influence. I think that it's a good idea. Maybe everyone would be better off with me gone, I'm sorry can't bring myself to say anything to your face. That you had to find out through finding me and my note._

 _Know that I love you Alfred, know that through all the shit i felt you were always a bright ray of sunshine in my life. Please don't feel guilty for not catching this sooner, know that you were the reason i held on for so long. And know I will be happier, or at least without pain._

 _Please take care of Kumajirou for me, I know that you two don't always get along but he will need you, and you might need him._

 _I am sorry i'm not stronger. I love you. Goodbye._

Wordlessly he handed the note to Gil, actually finding his phone and calling Lukas. Tears blurring his vision too much to be able to type anything.

"Hello? Al… what do you want?" He picked up, voice sounding exhausted.

"Lukas… C-can you guys b-bring Kuma t-to the hospital?"

"Wait… The hospital? What happened? Al? Why are you at the hospital?"

"I failed at being there for my brother and now... now I don't know if he'll open his eyes again… I don't know if i got there in time" Al replied, choking on his sobs.

* * *

 _And that's where i'll end this chapter. Thank you for the patience and the support you guys always give us… Sorry I am a terrible human being with an angst addiction… Hopefully the next one comes out soon so we know more of the story_


	12. My fault

**Chapter 12**

 _Hey guys! Like last chapter the trigger warnings are still in place,_

 _ **TRIGGER WARNINGS: The following chapter contains many of the following triggers: Eating Disorders, Depression, Attempted Suicide, Along with graphic depictions of Self Harm, The authors highly recommend those who are sensitive to the above subjects either click off this story or please proceed with caution. We care about our readers and don't want to be the cause of anyone's pain.**_

 _Anyway! Now that you know this, strap yourself in because it's time for a crazy ride!_

Lukas sat in Art class, barely focusing on what the teacher was saying, all he could think about was how stupid he was. To think that Mathias would want him after their break up. What's worse was Mathias thought they were cool with each other. He wanted to be okay with Mathias, he really did, but it physically hurt him to do so. Mathias had always called him smart, but never before had that statement been more wrong. He was an idiot. His brother told him flat out that Mathias was cheating on him with Katyusha and Lukas had told him to fuck off and had gone so far as to stay with one of his friends to avoid his twin. When Lukas caught Mathias with that woman, he came home, and rather than rub it in his face like Lukas had been hoping for, Tino had stayed with him, holding him tightly as he cried.

As the bell rang, startling him from his thoughts, Lukas gathered his belongings, stuffing them in his bags before he hurried out of the room. "HEY!" Lukas had just walked out of the classroom when an ever familiar voice called out to him. Turning towards it, Lukas saw Mathias run toward him, grinning largely and holding the hand of an older student, the same one Lukas saw Mathias cheat on him with dozens of times.

"Hello." He said, feeling his voice grow smaller. The two grew closer to him, still hand in hand, the woman's left hand showing a large sparkly blue gem on a silver band, it obviously cost a good amount of money in his opinion. The couple smiled at him largely.

"Lukas! I brought Kat over so you two could meet! Meet Katyusha, my fiance! Kat, this is my good friend Lukas! The two of us go way back and met at school just like me and you!" Mathias introduced happily before he kissed his fiance's cheek.

Lukas tried to smile, tried to be friendly to the woman that had stolen Mathias from him. But he couldn't. His grip on his belongings loosened, causing his art supplies to slip and fall to the ground, scattering everywhere he stood. "I..I...I need to go…" He whispered, his body shaking violently. He felt as if the air was suffocating him, he needed to retreat. He knew he was abandoning his supplies but he didn't care now. He could faintly hear Mathias call out for him as he ran off and could feel tears trickling down his cheeks and was vaguely aware of the eyes glued to his retreating body, but that was another think he didn't care about.

He raced home, his heart pounding as he fumbled with the key. He just wanted inside, wanted to be alone. He finally got inside, and ran for the bathroom. He felt like he was choking. He leaned over the toilet, his stomach in knots. More tears came as he vomited, his stomach in worse knots now than before he started this sick twisted ritual. He could only hear the sounds of him wrenching that he didn't hear the knock from the main door, or hear the footsteps stop right before the bathroom. "Lukas?" Lukas heard the ever familiar voice of his nightmares and problems, Mathias, speak to him. He turned briefly, letting out a sob as the man in question stood before him, staring at him in shock.

"M-Mathias?" He whispered, his voice barely audible.

Mathias still stood there, mouthing "I'm sorry," over and over before he left, moving as if he were running away from him.

Lukas let out more sobs, curling up in a tight ball, too emotional to even care about cleaning up. "I'm such an idiot." He whimpered as he cried. "Such a fucking idiot."

Once he was sure no other tears could be shed, he stood up, flushing the toilet and went to wash his face and brush his teeth, another part of his now daily ritual it seemed. Once he was done he looked over at the counter and saw his art supplies lying in a neat pile. He fought back another sob as he remembered the look on Mathias' face. "He probably hates me now… Thinks I'm disgusting." Lukas thought bitterly as he stared at the supplies he had so carelessly dropped when he had met Katyusha. "She probably thinks I'm insane...I am I guess…" Lukas let out a sigh and pulled out his phone, checking for the time. "It's almost time for group to start." He whispered and gathered all of his belongings before he made it to the library, not wanting to worry his brother for skipping a class.

-(Study Group Time)-

Lukas sat by his brother, feeling almost sick to his stomach as his brother pushed a plate of goodies in front of him. He wanted the snacks _badly_. Wanted to eat and forget his troubles, but as he sat there staring the plate, he felt himself resist the food. He wasn't even sure why, he wanted to eat, but his body was telling him not to. He looked away from the food, having to struggle between not taking the snacks and ignore Al, the boy that was apologizing to him like crazy.

He had to admit, he was doing a good job ignoring Al, He felt he was annoyed with the boy rather than angry. The boy had lied and took credit for his brother's cooking. His depressed and sick brother at that. Lukas let out a sigh, and chose to focus on his school work, finding it to be easier than dealing with everything going on. He shot his math homework a glare and pushed it away, looking back back at the treats before him… one wouldn't kill it… would it? He reached for a cookie and took a bite, savoring the taste. Eating these cookies was far better than working on equations.

Al leaned in close to Lukas, his expression that of a kicked puppy. It was annoying the Nordic teen to say the least. He wasn't sure how much more obvious he could be that he was annoyed with Al. With every apology Al gave, Lukas felt like his scowl was colder, his own brother even commenting on how he looked ready to murder Al… which he honestly was thinking of doing.

With being back home now… Lukas wasn't sure what was easier for him, being alone with his crazed thoughts, remembering how it felt to have his ex look at him as if he were some horrid freak of nature, or being around his brother, and having Tino express his concern for Mattie and Al, saying that Lukas wasn't being quite fair to Al and that it was easier just to forgive and forget. Either way Lukas felt trapped and he wasn't sure being alone for so long was the best for him. His stomach churned, He felt like he would be sick again, but as he turned the door knob to step out of the bedroom and go to the bathroom, he froze, hearing his brother, Mattie and Al, so close by. He couldn't… He couldn't purge with them near, it would break Tino's heart and cause Al to likely look at him the same way Mathias did. Like he was a freak. No… He had to be calm and find out why the North American twins were here and find out when Tino was going to be busy in some other part of the dorm, just so then he could purge and rest. He headed down the short hallway, finding Al and Mattie standing by the door with Mattie's pet bear in a crate. As he entered the main room he couldn't help but arch a brow as he looked from his brother to the twins. "And what happened?" He asked, causing Al to let out a loud dramatic sigh and start to flail his arms about wildly.

"OKAY I ADMIT IT! I CREATED GENIUS THAT OUR OVEN COULDN'T HANDLE! IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A GIFT FOR YOU LUKAS AS AN APOLOGY!" Al cried, seemingly to be admitting what had happened prior to coming here. "It was a cookie cake..." he pouted crossing his arms and plopping down on one of the chairs. "It would have been perfect…"

Lukas couldn't help but let out a soft chuckle, trying to compose himself afterwards, as if he hadn't just laughed at something dumb Al had done. "A cookie cake?" He asked, his lips quirking up ever so slightly. He couldn't believe Al had managed to cause him to smile slightly, the only one before him to be able to do this was… Mathias.

Al grinned, his blue eyes shining with mirth, as if he had succeeded in an intense victory.

"Yeah dude! Cookie cake!"

Mattie rolled his eyes and pointed at his brother once he had freed his bear from his crate. "Al? You are never allowed to step into another kitchen again. Ever. I don't care."

Al winced and lifted his hand. "I washed the dishes I used at least..." He tried to defend at least part of his honor. Mattie paled, a look of remembrance etched onto his features.

"Alfred, what did you use the juice pitcher for? And WHY was Kuma's tub out?"

"The juice thing I used to measure the peanut butter! I even made sure to fill it to the second line! And I was debating using Kuma's tub to mix the stuff but I thought of the popcorn bowl… Why?" He looked around the suddenly very quiet room. Even the bear paused his snuffling around the new space to stare at Al. "What?! It said two cups! I filled it to the second line."

"I take that back. You are allowed in the kitchen ONLY so you can survive more than a day on your own." Mattie let out a heavy sigh.

Lukas was openly laughing at Al's confusion now. "Al… Even I know what two cups means in cooking." Lukas said between his giggles.

"Well… I didn't… I just get bored when Mattie goes on about his baking… So I tune him out?" he avoided meeting the glare his brother shot him.

"I can teach you to make all sorts of yummy cakes some time!" Tino offered with a grin.

"By the way... for your cookie cake...how many eggs did you add in?" Mattie asked.

" Yeah see that part threw me off since like who puts eggs in cookies? so I just added in two eggs. they didn't mix as well as I thought."

Mattie paled. "Mix well... Al... you cracked them, right? before you put them into the mix?" He asked, sounding nervous.

"No? Was I supposed to?" was Al's response.

At this point Lukas was mentally a goner. He had to lean on his twin for support, laughing hard as all of them realized what Al had done." Y-you... y-you... just tossed full eggs into the bowl?"

"...Yes Al. you were supposed to crack the eggs. Why wouldn't you crack the eggs?" Mattie was talking from the permanent facepalm his brother had caused, sitting on the floor as he tried to process everything that had gone wrong with the attempt.

"How was I supposed to know?"

"...It's simple logic. Do you like egg shell in your food?"

"N-no… but then again… You are the one who cooks all the time so… it's not my fault…?"

Mattie just groaned in response. Tino looked around, seemingly with pity for Mattie and went into the living room to start setting up air mattresses they kept for emergencies… or when they had friends that needed a place to stay for the night. "Here Matt, you look like you could use some rest…"

Mattie nodded, grateful for the offer and shot Tino a soft tired smile.

Lukas took the time while Tino was setting up still to leave again, going into linen closet to find the extra blankets and sheets. He then looked around and stole a couple pillows from Tino's bed and came back soon after with the bedding for the North American twins to use. As he returned he quickly made the beds up, still chuckling at how stupid Al could be.

"If it's any consolation… I forgive you, Al for taking credit… I'm glad you did actually because if you had actually made those cookies you gave me I wouldn't be here." Lukas told Al after he was done making the beds up.

Al grinned at Lukas' words, appearing to be happy and relieved. He sat there to the side, his smile bright enough Lukas swore the entire dorm was brighter.

"Come on, let's go let them rest." Tino whispered, pulling on Lukas' arm. Lukas nodded and began to head back toward the bedrooms, his laughing finally over with. They had just gotten into the the hallway when he froze, trying hard to muffle his laughter as he heard quite loudly the _Final Fantasy Victory Theme_. Yeah… He could forgive Al.

It felt odd to Lukas to be up so early in the morning with Al, helping Tino make breakfast, but he barely slept last night. His head kept going back to Mathias every time he closed his eyes. And when He finally had stopped seeing Mathias… it was Al, big dumb Al, judging him, calling him horrible names, telling him that he was disgusting and revolting…

". . . You three are insane…"

Turning toward that soft, mumbled voice, Lukas saw Mathias curled up in a tight ball, his face buried in his pet bear's soft fur.

"Yo bro! do you want some breakfast? Tino's cooking!" Al yelled loudly, he too noticing that Mattie had woken up.

Of course his yelling earned him a groan from his brother and a grumpy growl from the cub snuggled into his master's arms. ". . . Well okay then… Boss Bear refuses to get up… Cool more bacon for me!" Al grinned, the bear lifting his furry head and staring back at him. The words combined with his bear's movement made Matthew roll over and stare daggers at his grinning twin.

"You have been giving him scraps from the table again!" He yelled. Getting up to stalk towards the table.

"Uhhh Mattie? Y-you are supposed to be the nice twin remember?" Al joked nervously, hoping to diffuse the situation before it could really escalate.

"Al I asked you to stop doing that! You could make him sick... Please?" He deflated and sat in one of the nearby chairs, too tired right now to hold onto the anger. Al sobered up and watched his twin with worry. Watching as the bear that had just been begging crawl over to climb into his master's lap and comfort him. The little bear licking Matt's sleeve before curling up and ignoring everyone else.

"Yeah… Sorry bro… Won't happen again" Lukas and Tino watched the entire exchange in silence, Tino just worried that the brothers would have an off day, similar to how he and Lukas sometimes had after a morning fight. Lukas however was staring at Mattie and Kuma for several long moments before turning the attention away from them. By getting up and trying to sneak some of the cooked bacon.

Lukas had to admit, he was worried for Mattie, but he wouldn't pry, not now anyway.

-(Class Time)-

As the group arrived at school, Lukas was left to decided what was worse, attending his classes and not focus like he had been doing for a while now… or skip them, purge and then go somewhere secluded like he _wanted_ to do. He bit his lip, his eyes moving from the bathroom and then to his first class, over and over before he decided to go to class, even if it was with Mr. Dickerson.

He Let out a sigh, ignoring everything that came out of the teacher's mouth, really he could use a nap, but the last thing he needed was Mr. Dickerson giving him another detention….

He looked over at Mattie, the Canadian teen looking just disinterested as him, then he looked over at Tino, his brother eagerly writing down notes for the class. There were times when he saw his hard working twin he wanted to cry. He knew Tino was better off without him.

The rest of the classes were pretty uneventful for Lukas, something he was slightly happy for. His brother had already departed for his coir class, leaving Lukas alone. It was time for art for him, a class he loved greatly. He put most of his books into his locker and balanced his art supplies.

As he turned a corner, he saw him, Mathias. And from the look on his face, he looked upset. He was in front of the Lukas' art class, making it so he couldn't get in without confronting his ex.

"Lukas!" Mathias called. Lukas jolted, looking like a deer caught in headlights. His mind was telling him to run, to get home and away from Mathias.

"Lukas! We need to talk!" Mathias told him, grabbing his arm, stopping him from moving.

Lukas knew what this was about, it was about, it was about his purging. He shook his head, looking away from the older teen.

"What happened that day?" Mathias asked, still not releasing Lukas.

The smaller male squirmed and fought, trying to get out of Mathias' hold so he could retreat.

"Stop it! What happened?!" Mathias demanded, tightening his grip.

"Let go… please… it hurts…" Lukas begged, his voice pathetic.

Mathias' blue eyes softened and loosened his grip. "Please, what's going on?"

Lukas felt close to tears. He felt multiple students eyes on them, whispering amongst themselves while still staring at them, he was surprised the teacher hadn't come out yet. He bit his lip. "I can't…" He whimpered.

"Why not? Lukas please?" Mathias asked. It was at that moment, to Lukas' relief his teacher came out to check on the noise out of the classroom, giving him the time needed to escape and run home, to the place he sought comfort.

He had practically ran home, only his art supplies with him. He didn't care. He dropped them on the counter and ran to the bathroom, his stomach churning. He hated this. He hated feeling sick, he hated making Mathias worry. He hated everything. Most of all, he hated himself.

He sat on the bathroom tiles, seeing that his arm had light bruising from where Mathias had grabbed. He shook his head, not caring and flushed the toilet, feeling awful. "I do this to myself…" He told himself. He curled up into a ball, wishing he weren't like this. That he didn't empty his stomach daily. That he wasn't a coward that ran away from his problems.

He was like this for a while, hugging his knees, when the sudden buzzing from his phone startled him.

"Hello?" He asked, sounding just as exhausted as he felt.

"Lukas… C-can you guys b-bring Kuma t-to the hospital?"

This caused Lukas to frown. Al? Earlier when he met Mathias' fiancé and his ex found out his greatest secret he had put himself on Do Not Disturb, not wanting anyone to talk to him. He wasn't sure how the other teen got through but he'd worry about that after he figured out what was going on. "Wait… The hospital? What happened? Al? Why are you at the hospital?" He asked, practically demanding for answers.

"I failed at being there for my brother and now… Now I don't know if he'll open his eyes again… I don't know if I got there in time." Was Al's response, sounding like he was choking back sobs.

Lukas' eyes were wide, he hoped he had heard that wrong. But before he could any more information, Al had hung up.

He looked at phone and covered his mouth, seeing that he multiple missed calls from Mattie and a voicemail from him.

"This… Isn't real right?" He whispered as he scrambled off the bathroom floor and left the room, looking around for Mattie's pet. He felt a wave of worry and fear hit him as stared at his phone again. He'd listen to the voicemail later. He needed to go and find his brother, who would likely be heading to study group at this moment.

With the little bear tucked in his arms he ran out of the dorm, as he hurried to his brother's side.

After finding his twin and explaining the situation to him, the two got a taxi to the hospital. In the taxi Lukas had passed Kuma to Tino, and had took this time to listen to Mattie's voicemail.

"I-I'm sorry... I don't know what to do anymore... I just want to disappear... Lukas please just... I need to know... I need... I need someone to show me... not just tell me... that I have a purpose... I need it... please Lukas… please pick up…"

Lukas fought back a sob as he heard this. Mattie had called him for help, had begged him to be there for him and Lukas had been too selfish to even listen to his friend in need.

Lukas had been the first to hop out of the taxi as they pulled up to the hospital, he needed to know everything was alright. That Mattie was better now and this had been a false alarm. He rushed over to where he saw Al pacing in the waiting and Gil looking tense. "Al… Mattie he… He'll be alright, right?" Lukas asked causing Al to stop pacing to just stare at him with tears in his eyes, his lip quivering.

"We… Are still waiting to hear back." Gil told him.

"This is my fault. If I hadn't been so stupid and selfish…" Lukas whimpered, not caring everyone was hearing his thoughts, they had to come out.

"It's not your fault Luke. You couldn't have known." Tino tried reassuring as he entered the room with Kuma.

"He called me for help! He begged me to be there for him but I was too selfish and self-centered to even answer my phone! If I had answered my phone, Mattie would still be here! He doesn't deserve to be in this place!" Lukas cried, letting all of his emotions out. "I wish I could take Mattie's place…"

It was silent after, no one sure what to say. "Please, don't ever say that again…" Al was the first to break the silence, begging the Nordic.

"It's true though. He… He is the better person here. And… You deserve to be happy. And... If I were here in this place, instead of him, you would be." Lukas whispered, eyes looking away from Al.

"You dying wouldn't make me happy! You laying there, fighting for life wouldn't make me happy! You and Mattie both there with me, alive and smiling, that. That makes me happy. And… Maybe I'm the stupid, selfish one, but I don't want to lose anyone." Al responded, pulling the Nordic teen into a tight embrace. "So please, don't talk like that again."

Lukas held onto him like a lifeline, afraid to let go. He needed to be held right now, to know that there was a chance everything would be alright.

 _Well guys, I'm sorry, not sorry for this chapter. Maybe next chapter will be better? Anyway, see ya guys next time! ~Eternal Fauna_

 _(Extra note from truecanadiangirl ... this had been done for several months but I didn't post it because of life things getting in the way)_


	13. A Call for Help

**Chapter 13**

 _Heyyy so about what Eternal Fauna hoped for last chapter… yeeaahhh no…_

 _-Explanation for long hiatus at the end of the chapter_

 **TRIGGER WARNINGS: The following chapter contains many of the following triggers: Eating Disorders, Depression, Thoughts of Suicide, Along with graphic depictions of Self Harm, The authors highly recommend those who are sensitive to the above subjects either click off this story or please proceed with caution. We care about our readers and don't want to be the cause of anyone's pain.**

* * *

"You dying wouldn't make me happy! You laying there, fighting for life wouldn't make me happy! You and Mattie both there with me, alive and smiling, that. That makes me happy. And… Maybe I'm the stupid, selfish one, but I don't want to lose anyone." Al pulled the distraught Nordic into his arms. He needed to cling to something and this let him at least pretend to be stronger than he really was. "So please, don't talk like that again." he whispered. Arms tightening around Lukas slightly as he felt the way he was being clung to.

Gil finished the paperwork and stood up to bring it to the nurse. Upon his return he wordlessly took Kuma from Tino hugging the small bear to his chest and fought of tears. He had known something was up with birdy… he had no idea it had progressed this far, or that it was this bad. He claimed to care for the boy but had been nowhere in sight when he had been drowning. He soothed the bear who sensed everybody's distress and was starting to whine and look for his master. 'If Matthew makes it out of this I will be better for him. I will support him more.' he swore to himself twitching in surprise as he felt a gentle hand on his shoulder. Gil looked up to find Tino gently rubbing his back, offering silent support even though he had just as much of a burden on his young shoulders. As much as the albino wanted to hide his pain he had to admit that Tino had a calming presence.

After a few minutes of silence Tino stood up, approaching his twin and Al to gently guide them to sit down. He made no attempt to pull them apart.

"Do you need anything? Something to drink? Something to eat?" he asked quietly. Leaning close to the two to hear their answers if there were any to hear.

"I'm… I'm okay right now… Lukas? Do you want snacks?" Al felt like he couldn't eat until his brother was okay again. Back at home where they would playfully argue while he would make supper… that's what Al wanted. He was brought from his reverie by the small voice asking for chocolate. Tino nodded and went back to Gil.

"I'm going to get snacks… do you want anything?" Tino asked gently.

"I'll come with you. Al I'm going with Tino for snacks and drinks. We'll be right back…" he waited for the nod before standing up with the bear in his arms. The two of them made their snack run and Gil picked up something for Al despite his dismissal of the offer. Coming back they sat and shared their snacks and the burden of their worry. Waiting anxiously for the doctor.

* * *

\- 6 hours later-

* * *

Everyone looked up from their shared misery and worry as they heard the approaching footsteps of the doctor. Alfred stood up quickly, gripping Lukas' hand tightly and dragging him up to meet with the doctor.

"Are you Alfred?" the adult asked the worried boy who nodded quickly. "I'll start with letting you know that he is stable now. Currently he is resting." Alfred blew out a sigh of relief, his shoulders slumping as the worry drained from his body. His brother was going to be okay… he could see his twin again. By now they were joined by Gil and Tino who had picked up the good news.

"You hear that Lu? He's okay…" he hugged the nord close, relieved tears slipping from his eyes from the news. Lukas tensed at the nickname but didn't refuse the hug. His own tears falling slowly… he still felt guilty but at least his friend hadn't died because of his blunder.

"When can we take him home Dr.-?" Gil piped up, crimson eyes relieved but still held sadness as he asked for the name. He knew it would be too easy for them to bring him home when he woke up.

"I'm Dr. Schneider. And I was getting to that. Stable or not we are required to hold patients that attempted to take their lives for at least four days. If the patient shows he is not fit to return home then we will keep him longer." Gil blinked at the name and frowned. It was a little too on the nose for him. But nodded at the information given.

Al also frowned. Four days… he couldn't bring his brother home for four days.

"Can we see him now?" he would deal with the four days later. For now he wanted to be near his twin.

"Normal visiting hours are over." the doctor lifted his hand to stall the arguments he could see rising in the group. "The pet will have to stay outside but I can permit a short visit. Then everyone who isn't family will have to leave until official visiting hours." The group nodded and followed the doctor to the room Mattie was sleeping in. Gil waited outside first with the bear. Letting the Nordic twins go in with Al first. Then switched with Tino to go make sure his birdy was actually okay. When they were chased out Gil drove Lukas and Tino home, keeping Kuma with him for the night… maybe for the next couple days.

* * *

 _Beep._

 _Beep._

 _Beep._

The sound of the ECG machine filled the still air in the dark empty room. The pale blonde boy still had his eyes closed tightly, the dripping sound from the IV a faint but rhythmic noise that let Alfred know that his brother was being helped. Even knowing this the larger normally loud twin was silent, gripping Matthew's hand and watching… Waiting… his brother had to wake up soon, despite being told he wouldn't wake up for several hours Al had to stay up until he heard his brother wake up. He was allowed to stay the night because of their relationship while Gil and the others promised to come visit as soon as they were allowed to. For now though all that Alfred could do was listen to the beeping and cling to his twin's pale hand. He knew he would have to call their parents, soon but he didn't want his phone to mess with the machinery helping to keep his brother stable, and there was no way in hell he was about to walk away from his twin, not until he was absolutely certain Mattie would wake up.

 _ **-Bzzzzzztt Bzzzzzztttt-**_

The sudden vibration of his phone made him jump. Hesitantly getting up to dig it out of his back pocket, seeing the familiar number and the goofy picture he had assigned to their mother's cell he stepped out of the room to answer.

"H-hi, mom... I-" he was interrupted by her very quickly.

"Alfred! What is going on? Why did the hospital near your school call about Mattie overdosing?! Explain right now what is going on! Is your brother alright? What happened to my babies?! Are you alright?" Her voice was loud, reaching his ear even as he held his phone away from his head to avoid going deaf. He felt a lump form in his throat as he heard his father close by trying to get her to calm down enough to let him actually answer the myriad of questions.

"M-mom… I-I… w-wasn't a hero t-this time" He whispered into the receiver of his phone, tears streaming down his cheeks as the realization hit him fully. He had known something was wrong with his twin but he still couldn't stop this from happening.

"Hon? What do you mean? Mattie's alright… right?" He heard her words and a broken sob escaped before he could stop it.

"I-i d-don't know. T-the doctor s-said he was stable… t-that they got it all out of him… but he hasn't woken up… a-and… I c-couldn't stop h-him from getting hurt… I…" he was interrupted by the sobbing on the other end, he stood in the hall, tears dripping to the floor as he ignored the curious looks from the passing nurses.

"Alfred, I know this will be hard and a lot to ask, but can you watch over your brother for us? We're still overseas and won't be back for awhile..." Al made a noise of confirmation while he heard his mom freaking out in the background.

"I don't CARE about this damn job Chris! Our CHILDREN NEED US **NOW**!" he heard her yelling at his dad who kept the phone away from her for now. "We will be back as soon as we can. And Al, it's all going to be okay." Al hiccuped and nodded, listening a little longer before saying his goodbyes in order to go back to his brother.

* * *

 **Mattie's PoV**

"-he hasn't woken up… a-and… I c-couldn't stop h-him from getting hurt… I-"

Mattie groaned softly and opened his eyes to stare at the ceiling, his throat was sore and his stomach still churned from that black sludge the doctors had made him drink. He could hear the soft noises from the machines next to him, but the sobbing he heard from outside his cracked door. He had hurt his twin huh? He listened to the one sided conversation with their parents, staring at the ceiling blankly, wondering if he should pretend to sleep when his brother came in or not. Wondering why he had been saved if all he did was cause others pain…

* * *

 _And that is where I am going to end it for now, I want to thank all our readers for their amazing patience between uploads, and i want to kinda let everyone know why it has been so long since Eternal Fauna's chapter had been written._

 _First i will start with the trapped situation i had been in, I lived with my sister who had pulled me from the small town i was living in so i would have more job opportunities, this was a bust. And since i can't drive for a few reasons i could only try for jobs that i could get to by foot or risk a bus ride in a city where i didn't feel safe in on a good day._

 _From there a friend of mine helped and i moved from one big city to another one, again the hope was that i would be able to get a stable job and be able to help out with the rent that was way too high for the state the basement was in._

 _Early in November my friend lost his life, I had found him lying in his bed and had called for an ambulance to take him and make sure he was given a proper burial, besides getting confirmation from his family that he had been taken care of i was given little to no information on the cause of his death._

 _I was then taken in by one of his friends who had been close by and one of the first people i had called after dialing 911. But i wasn't supposed to be there at all and so another move was needed before January… So i called my aunt and a couple days later everything i owned had been packed into her little car and we were on our way to my current home. Where i have been once again job hunting as much as humanly possible so i could at least be able to help out with the rent when the new month rolls around._

 _I am sorry that so much time has passed between chapters. Thank you again for your patience I deeply appreciate it._

 _With love, TrueCanadianGirl_


	14. Chocolate Memories

_Welp Eternal Fauna/LukaDeTrolla is back. I know I know, been a while and frankly… It's kinda my bad? I lost the motivation to write for a while… Uh anyway! Thanks to TrueCandianGirl I am ready to continue our awesome emotional story!_

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It hadn't been long since they left the hospital, the twins sitting silently in Gil's car as he drove. Lukas had taken the front seat as they got in, his brother behind him hugging Mattie's small bear tightly. As they drove Lukas found himself staring at his phone, cursing himself even now for not picking up. He hated himself for that mistake, hated that because he hadn't answered his phone, Mattie was lying in a hospital bed hooked up to IVs. Just thinking of that made his stomach churn. He sighed sadly and rested his head on the window, blue eyes focused on everything outside the moving vehicle. He was trying hard not to think of the implications of what he had said in the waiting room, he hoped Tino didn't catch the meaning behind the words but when your brother was as smart as Tino was the hope was a very small one. His perferreral vision caught sight of his brother in the rear-view mirror, violet eyes focused on him. His brother's somber expression was enough for Lukas to know that they were likely going to be having a serious talk when they got home. It was only when they got to a stoplight that the silence broke. "First things first, we know that Birdie is going to be okay and if everything goes well he'll be back home by the end of the week… it will all be okay and we will know better what to watch out for to keep him safe in the future." The albino man started, feeling the tension in the vehicle and hoping to if not lighten the mood then at least make it known that it would be better. "The second thing I want to say before we get back to the dorms is that this… this is nobody's fault. As much as we wish that we had acted differently, life sometimes gets in the way and we can't always be everywhere at once… okay?"

Lukas looked over at the man, eyes filling with tears. "...How is it not my fault? If I had answered my phone when he called… He…"

"Would have tried at a different time. Matthew is smart, he knew what he was doing… he waited until we were all busy to do this so don't blame yourself for not knowing…" the crimson eyes glanced off the road to look at the younger man next to him, returning to the road as he noticed the light changing color and letting him drive forward again. Lukas was silent again after this, wiping his eyes with his sleeves as he looked back out the window, wishing this agonizingly long car ride would end soon, though perhaps this long ride home was good, the Nordic male knowing his twin behind him was thinking of what they were going to be talking about the second they entered their dorm.

So absorbed the teen hadn't realized they had arrived at the dorms until the car they were in rolled to a slow stop, entering a spot near the dorms. He blinked as Gilbert turned off the engine, sitting there for a few seconds before putting the red vehicle in park and taking the keys out. "Don't blame yourself Lukas." The older male told the Nordic before unlocking the other doors as he got out of the car. Tino got out not long after him, hugging the soft bear to his chest while he waited for his twin to get out.

Before Gilbert could get away from the twins, Tino had stopped him, handing Kuma off while Lukas slowly got out of the car, dreading entering the dorms, his stomach churning worse than when they were in the car. "I'll see you two tomorrow." Gilbert told them before he left the parking lot with Kuma.

The walk inside the dorms was as tense as it was inside the vehicle, and Lukas's eyes were cast downward at his feet, avoiding his twin's gaze, fearing he'd see the truth in his silent brother's eyes. Finally after walking up a few flights of stairs, they were home, though as Tino unlocked the door, for a few seconds Lukas felt nothing but dread. He stood in silence as the door opened, knowing it was too late to run away. He entered silently behind his twin, standing like a statue as Tino closed the door once more, the tension heavy enough it was suffocating. Though the Nordic wasn't sure if he was suffocating due to the tension or the fact that he was panicking about what he knew they were going to talk about any second now.

The Nordic teen watched as Tino went into the kitchen, digging into their cabinets for a pot and some mugs. He hummed a tuneless song and began to heat some milk on the stove, followed by cocoa powder then stirred until the powder was dissolved. The soothing familiar scent of the homemade hot chocolate filling the kitchen as it cooked. Lukas relaxed slightly despite himself and moved to sit at the table and wait for his brother to finish.

When Tino finished he sat at the table near where his brother sat and set the two mugs down. "Careful it's hot…" The barely older twin muttered, holding his own mug in his hands, his gaze slightly softer as he looked at his twin who was blowing on the hot chocolate before taking a sip. They sat in an almost comfortable silence, simply drinking their hot chocolate before Tino broke it, his gaze harder on the boy beside him. "Lukas, please tell me when you started thinking like that? Like you aren't good enough? Please don't lie to me, not about this."

Lukas was silent, eyes on his half empty cup, mouth set in a thin line. This was it, he had no choice but to tell Tino, Tino for the most part knew whenever he was lying and wouldn't take any answer but the truth. He let out a long sigh and looked up at his brother's almost pleading eyes. "I… I don't know. I can't exactly say when it started… or why I feel this way." It was half true, he didn't know why he was still so affected by Mathias.

Tino was silent after this, frowning in thought while he stared at the table they were sitting at. "I see," He said, trying to think of the various ways to help his brother. The one thing he could think of however was one he knew Lukas would never accept, especially since Lukas hadn't accepted it after the situation with Mathias. "You know I love you, right?" He started, biting his lip. He trusted his brother no matter what and would be there to support him whatever he decided on doing, he just hoped his brother would finally accept help from a professional. "I know how you feel about talking to a professional but maybe we both should with Mattie in the hospital. The nurse gave me a number we can call so we can talk to someone about this…" he paused for a moment, watching his brother for any signs that he was shutting down, or that he was going to run away, "do you think you could come with me and talk to a therapist?"

Lukas for a brief few seconds looked at his brother with fear before he quickly put on a neutral expression. "I'm fine Tino, honest. Really you're the reason I'm as alright as I am." The boy told his brother, trying hard to seem as alright, he didn't want to worry his brother after all, or prove just how badly he needed professional help.

Tino eyed his twin carefully, wondering just how true his brother's words were, he knew better than to push the subject onto the boy, but at the same time he worried for his brother, he always worried for the boy. He just hoped his brother was as alright as he claimed to be, the last thing he needed or wanted was to be in the same situation as poor Alfred was.

With the conversation dropped, at least for the moment, Lukas felt himself relax slightly. He took a few deep sips of his hot cocoa, his gaze seemingly focused on the wall he was facing. Now that he was no longer thinking of ways to not have his brother find out about his condition, he was left to feel the guilt that had been eating at him since the hospital, guilt that made his stomach tighten. He wasn't even sure he'd be able to finish the delicious drink his brother had made without a trip to the bathroom. He could only hope he could stop the feeling inside and make it through the night without his brother catching on.

* * *

 _Hey Guys! Eternal Fauna/ LukaDeTrolla here, you miss me? ^_^' I promise I didn't mean to forget this story… Well, I'm back now! Thank TrueCanadianGirl for kicking my booty into gear! I'll try not to take forever to write my next chapter!_


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